Category Archives: “the hard stuff”

Motivation.

What keeps you motivated? I remember grappling with this question over a period of time- maybe ten years.

I was so discouraged with myself. I couldn’t remain motivated. But I was also depressed, in a long marriage that had run its course, and I need a new take on life.

With motivation, it seemed as though I’d start, feel good about myself & my life, , then I’d lose motivation . Couldn’t seem to figure out why, though .

I didn’t connect my love life, my relationship, and my sadness to my motivation. I needed an encouraging partner, I needed to value myself and my friendships and have friends that helped motivate me and kept me accountable, and I needed self-care. All these things were missing in my life. Once I had had a friend who was willing to help keep me accountable and kind of tutored me in this area, it seemed to help. I would keep her accountable for a few things, and she’s do the same for me.

For a while, we realized we weren’t using our time right. So we’d study a few things about developing margin in our lives and that helped immensely.

We even prayed together about what our goals were and what we wanted to change.

I found out later on, that motivation comes from within. It’s discipline of the heart and soul. It’s being specific about what you desire, then finding courage within to pursue it. I didn’t know this at the age of 38 years old . Wish I did. I might have been more focused, much sooner.

Made it to the beach last week!

Sometimes we live thinking there’s so much more out there than what we’re living. The truth is, we haven’t really lived until we’ve possessed what our soul really desires.

For instance, my soul wanted the best visit to a beach, last weekend. And I sought it out until I got it . I received best experience… because I was open to receiving it. And … I went with my best friend …(he enjoyed it too, after I asked a few times.)

So the first question is:

“What does your soul desire?”

The second question is:

How bad do you really want it?

The third question is:

How do you make room in your life to do it? ( I highly recommend getting a partner.)‚ėļÔłŹ

And sometimes you have to just try several ways of meeting the needs of your soul, before you find out. Pull out some paper and brainstorm some tactics that might work.

Do you need to go to that special place ‘right after work’ so it really happens? Do you need to get a babysitter on Saturday morning while to kid is still in bed – for a few hours to make it happen ?

Or do you simply need to just be spontaneous ? ( You know I forgot that was my one word this year? Spontaneity? Gosh, how’d that happen?)

Just remember, how ‘you’ possess your soul , how someone else possesses theirs, may be totally different.

But do possess your soul

It’s so worth it..

Clarity.

On the beach in 2019

Clarity.

It’s not easy to achieve. I mean should we even make it a goal? When 2019 happened, I initially didn’t desire clarity. I asked for something else. In fact, that word is a slight misnomer now, because Clarity assumed its position and took a hold of my destiny like none other .

‚ÄúFor sure, you‚Äôre wrong‚ÄĚ, I said. ‚ÄúIt‚Äôs not time yet, ‚Äú I mentioned as I wrestled with the change and let go of several valuables and said goodbye to friends in the state I couldn‚Äôt believe I was moving to nine years ago..

Sometimes Clarity happens so unexpectedly. We ask for it, then we’re really not ready when it comes because it capsizes our entire world.

Or at least it did. mine.

It was my one word for the year, you see. I didn‚Äôt intend for it to bring all love and light to pass. To highlight the love of family and allow me to make sacrifices that involved severe change. To move me out of my comfort zone and say: ‚Äú Welcome to this New Evolving Space!‚ÄĚ Yeah, rhat was Clarity . But she‚Äôs become the friend I didn‚Äôt realize I had.

When I asked the Universe to give me clarity, God opened the heavens and said: ‚ÄúTake a risk.‚ÄĚ

And at first, I said ‚ÄúNo.‚ÄĚ I thought I wasn‚Äôt ready, so Resistance spread her wings and tried to escape. But Clarity brought her silence and reminded me how ‚Äúlife really isn‚Äôt all about Lil o‚Äô me.‚ÄĚ Sometimes the people we love and the lives we love take precedence, as so it was.

Clarity revisited . 2019

So this year, Clarity – my one word – was sort of disruptive of my peace; yet freeing…surrendering, cautious, yet unconditional , loving and necessary, enlightening and freeing. Yeah… Freeing.

Yeah, but it has yielded great results , already. The lesson leavened was to let go of the things we hold unto so tightly because they could free us, almost unexpectedly, if only we were ready for change .

Clarity . (title) On Lake Ontario, N.Y.. in 2017

HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)

March 21, 2019

Hope.
It‚Äôs so obscure sometimes. Like … how do you stay hopeful?

Is it Friends that help you to remain hopeful?
Is there a routine that’s involved?
Is there something elusive about hope?
Does a lack of it, make us cry?
Make us sad? Is it reachable?
How do you know when you fully have it?
Does a lack of hope make us afraid?
Does a lack of hope make us feel insecure? Feel alone?
I can say yes to about all of these.

Just recently , I came through a dark period. I was barely hanging in there. I believe I always knew I would come out of it, but it was really hard to stay focused on coming out when my days were so low.
I managed to get through it , but wow.. some days were really tough.

There were many nights of deep breathing for me, yoga, quiet time, talking to my husband and asking for prayer from friends. I also had many nights of tea and on beautiful days outside…. I would sit in the sun. I even found comfort in my journal a few of those days or simply took a long nap. I had to magnify my self-care and pray quite a bit, because prayer is what helps me to take notice to my spirit and be honest with myself about where I am.
To be honest, I wasn’t thinking God was too close.

Continue reading HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)

Intuition & Love… How Did I Get Here?

How did I  get here?

Ever ask yourself that  question?

I once  thought  about writing on  Intuition and Love a while  ago.  But I  wasn’t ready.  I had to decide how transparent I wanted to be.

Then I realized that I needed to see how the two overlap. I didn’t have enough knowledge.  Or so I thought…  but I DID have the experience.  I mean, this is hard  writing, I thought…  where is my capacity to   speak on this? 

How  can  I speak on this without  true experience?

Then I thought  about it. I guess true experience is the BEST  teacher, sometimes.  I  had to go deep within myself to find answers,  but  I think mostly  I had to  ask myself, first – how  did I get here?  When we ask ourselves  honest  questions,  sometimes we  get  honest answers.

I was in a relationship  that went  south. I mean  all the way south.  Like worse than cheating.  It was humiliating.  And I had to pick myself up with all   of the dignity I had left and determine within myself  and ask myself:

Did I ever want to be in relationship with this person  again?

Did I trust   ever again  being able to trust this person with my  well-being, my life, my friendship?

And the answer was a resounding “No.”

Not to  say that person  couldn’t change one day,  but I had been in hell with them, and they basically let me sink to the bottom of the pit.  People like  that  don’t deserve my trust.  That’s what I determined in side.  Even my dreams  spoke to it.  I mean, I asked God:

“Show me his heart.”

So  check this out –  Spirit showed me this – once I was still enough:

This was the answer to my request:

I had a very vivid dream I was in a car ,  and my  significant  other was driving the car…. (this was before all of the  stuff went down –  and you  know I didn’t want to say stuff,  right ? I’m  just being polite.) –   and so in the dream he drove both of  over a cliff, he got out of the car and saved himself, and I kept  drowning.  In the back  seat though, was the most kindest and  most  beautiful person I had ever known – my brother- and he represented for me: GOODNESS in my life. 

I  found out through this dream, God was speaking to me.  Because Goodness  saved me.  And  Goodness was  what I had been neglecting in my life, all along.

jen

So now here’s what’s true: Without introspective  questions, I would have never  kept my life so sacred. This sacred act of self-inspiration SAVED me.

And sacredness was what I was all about, in that season of my life.  I had to find myself again.  And in the true essence of who I was, I had to determine where had I lost my soul.  My mind – where was it? My will  –  why did I  give it away?  And my  emotions  – why did they numb out ?

That’s  what  I did when I lost my soul, My ability to decide… I lost my thought life. I gave away  what was most sacred – my own personal opinion and thoughts  – to  someone else.  And THAT  was NOT OK.

My whole life had been  turned upside down because I put all my trust in one person.  And I thought: ” How had he become my God?

I had not been intuitive. I had not  thought about  the love I was   NOT  experiencing.  I  just wanted to  be with him.  Not  in love, not loved,  settling for less, and   not living up to my own expectations.  Not , I wasn’t perfect,  but I sure was using my best wisdom, sure wasn’t’  seeking advice from my smart sisters,  and I sure was isolating myself from every one I lived.  How did I get here?

I know. I ignored myself, my needs, and I didn’t listen to  not determine what I wanted, and  GO after it.  Yet this perceived ‘failure’ was  teaching me to respect myself in the future. To ask myself what was important first, then LOVE that, And only that, because it was God’s life first,  and then my own, to decide.

Selah.

This is  a writing on the  “12 Gems” stories .. this one is on Intuition, and I am taking all year to focus on what it means to “”Receive” and  basically,  take a look within.  To think about how I got to the other side of life’s circumstance, and really began living. 

And so here am I. 

Memories from My Moves: The Value of Writing During Life Transition.

I have moved  approximately nine times in my life.  I  know it sounds like a lot, but  several of those moves were  within state and  needed for job transition .

Doesn’t make it any any easier, nor ¬†does it make it ¬†less of an issue. ¬†I ¬†have to admit – I don’t really lke moving per say, but I have ¬†enjoyed ¬†learning ¬†new cultures and new places and people where I have lived.

I have moved to ¬†get a ¬†new start on life maybe ¬†three times. ¬†The others were due to the fact I was running, ¬†I ¬†just did not like my life there anymore, and three ¬†times I have moved with issues ¬†surrounding “a man”. I never wanted to follow a man, but I ¬†twice moved once because ¬†I ¬†wanted to “get away ” from ¬†a man; and I must‚Äôve learned from it; ¬†because the other I‚Äôve involved wanting ¬†to be ‚Äėnear‚Äô a young man, and that man eventually became my husband. And that was a ¬†really good move. ¬†To Texas. ¬†Texas enlivened me. ¬†I ¬†flourished there. I had ¬†friends I had never had ¬†anything like before, and ¬†they were supportive of me.

Moves are hard though if you’re a introvert. I’ve found that getting involved with groups helps me spread the love around and have a more active social life.

backlight grapes.jpgWith every move, ¬† I ¬†have had, ‘journaling’ has ¬†given me a sense of place and ¬†recogniton of the move and ¬†resolve and acceptance. Writing became my mainstay. I later found ¬†it to be a way I coped with transitions.

Here’an old post but good one ¬†that reminds me where ¬†I ¬†find ¬†resolve with ¬†my every ¬†move. ¬†It was never publlshed, just ¬†something I found in an old newsletter ¬† I‚Äôd ¬†made.

I Will Be Transitioning!

 I have found value in my writing lately.  I am  in a transitioning phase.
At the end of this week, I ¬†will be moving to a new home. I am a bit sentimental, ¬†and have begun to take pictures as I transition for this home, to the next.¬†Thusly, I’ve been doing a lot of writing.

One of my last sessions ¬†this past summer, we spoke about the ¬†value of journal-keeping. Lately that has been a struggle for me, in terms of consistency, but I have been ¬†keeping a voice diary. It’s like a journal, but ¬†just easier. Stay tuned for examples¬†of ¬†my e-course I am making and my Soundcloud voice diaries I keep, ¬†and desire to share or you to think about rest easier. Though my course isn’t¬†finished¬†yet, I do desire you hear the¬†diaries to think about ¬†the perspective I have on the¬†relationship¬†we need to have with rest for our soul-care.
 
Journal writing has several values.While studying these facts, I discovered why the act of writing ¬†is such a¬†consoling practice for me.¬†I literally believe keeping a¬†journal¬†has SAVED MY LIFE. I am sure some of you can relate. ¬†Here’s what Peg Nolan, ¬†has found as ¬†a few truths: ¬†¬†

1. ‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing¬†¬†brings me clarity.‚Ä̬†–¬†It helps me to see myself and acknowledge my fears, so I can begin to work on them.
2. ‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing¬† helps me focus.‚Ä̬†Nothing better than knowing that my mind can settle because I now have it now on paper, and can return to that thought, and it won‚Äôt be caught out in oblivion.
3. ‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing is for my own personal ¬†accountability.‚Ä̬† ‚Äď Sometimes if there is no one to tell that dream to, it helps to be accountable to myself by writing it down.
4.‚ÄúI can yell in my journal and no one will hear me raise my voice.‚Ä̬† ‚Äď And I do yell – mind you, with¬†LOTS of exclamation points¬†for those things I struggle ¬†to comprehend.
5.‚Äú Journal ¬†writing¬†¬†increases my self-awareness.‚Ä̬†(Oh yeah,. and my self confidence‚Ķ)
6. ‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing¬†reduces my stress.‚Ä̬†It keeps my blood pressure¬†regulated. I believe once it saved my life. Kept me sane‚Ķ
7.‚Äú¬†Journal ¬†writing¬†a place to sort through my struggles.‚Ä̬†I am always focused on maturing my SOUL‚Ķ it‚Äôs an ongoing battle and I need it in order to be self actualized.
8.‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing¬†gives me peace of mind.‚Ä̬†¬†And an ability to listen intently to my thoughts, and ¬†to ¬†talk ¬†softly with God about them. (Love it! I am such a deep thinker!)
9.‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing¬†¬†a vision illuminator¬†!‚ÄĚ-¬†¬†My dreams grow and incubate and simmer‚Ķ some more…and ¬†then they do something else…they ¬†‚Äėcrystallize‚Äô – which when defined means to become definite or clear¬†. I ¬†found this with every move, to be true.¬†
10.¬†( This one is mine! )…I can hear God speak, when I write:¬†I believe God is ALWAYS speaking, we just aren’t quiet enough to hear Him.
11.‚Äú Journal ¬†writing is¬†an idea incubator.‚Ä̬†‚Äst¬†Man oh man, I have so many ideas, I could write about a book about ALL OF THEM!!
12. ‚ÄúJournal ¬†writing is a judgment-free zone.‚Ä̬†‚Äď ¬†You’re ¬†definitely ¬†not ¬†going to find anyone peering over your ¬†shoulder – unless you give them ¬†permssion ¬†– to ¬†look, or ¬† leave cause for that to happen…) And no one can give me feedback and I can sit with myself and my own thoughts and keep them as private as I want, til they are born and put into practice‚ĶOR NOT.
 

Acceptance & Receiving.

This very well may be first writing in 2018 on Receiving. I suppose if I set a goal, then by the end of this year, both you and me shall learn immensely about my one word. (So my first goal is to truly see where this precious word leads me!)

I will say this, this evening I wasn’t even looking for the word and it sort of “popped up” on¬† the¬† screen ,¬† STARING AT ME as if I asked¬† ¬†the word to embrace me. Accept.

I wasnt sure…¬† what¬† wasn’t¬† I accepting?¬†What¬† did I not desire to¬† ¬†receive?¬† Why was¬† this word¬† already of “Receiving” challenging me¬† so very soon into the new year?

img_1773

Seeing the word “receive” in this definition, the same word offered unto me “as acceptance”; gave me goosebumps! I¬† wasnt¬† ready… but my word said I was. So¬† why do I need¬† “consent to receive?”¬† I asked.¬† Consent is needing permission for¬† something to¬† ¬†happen.¬† Or needing¬† agreement in order for something to happen.¬† ¬†Here it is¬† 20¬† days into¬† the¬† year and I¬† still havent¬† given myself¬† permission to¬† ¬†receive.¬†

And¬† so….¬† I¬† struggle with my writing and with my soul¬† to acknowledge¬† what’s been¬† hard to believe since¬† the end of December.¬† It’s time.¬† ¬†To¬† walk in.¬† To believe.¬† To¬† receive.

'Captured Moonbeam.'
‘Captured Moonbeam’ by You Are So Beautiful Photography

I  think I have been   looking for this  kind of  VALIDATION  for  such a long, long time.  And I am not sure  if I am  still there.  But  I shall keep  surrendering.  I  think its the  quickest way unto  Receiving.

Anything.

As if  receiving has a  door gate, and  I am the gatekeeper. 

Selah.

Receiving. My Word for 2018.

BD63AA00-8730-481E-B68A-C3042CF89B6D

Hey there, first week in January and I feeling like I’m on a roll, already! I’ve been doing a out of contemplating over the past two weeks an have found that being in the place of “Receiving “ has been very prosperous for me.

Let me be completely  transparent about why this word is so meaningful.

Well first of all, I realize I’ve been believing and walking beneath my own standard. A standard is something we set for ourselves- or something that has a certain level of authority , in our lives Р“a  rule or principle established by ethics, morals customs as acceptable by an individual.

Anything that has authority in your life has rules and principles to follow. And yes .. these principles should establish me, fully. I haven’t been receiving.

Theres been quite a bit of lack in my life, and a few things I had been to fearful to walk out … so I didn‚Äôt give it my all. Truth is, I didn‚Äôt ¬†believe I could have it. Had pretty much convinced myself ¬†that I could ‚Äúsettle‚ÄĚ. Settle for what?

LESS.

Yeah, and was comfortable with less, too. Or ‚Äújust enough‚ÄĚ. You know, we get comfy where we are, and we stop reaching. We forget we have goals and the goals we beloved in, become clouded over because we either stop believing or we lose sight of inspirational folk who help guide us there.

As long as I was comfortable, I was good. Then the little ‚Äúmore‚ÄĚ angel came and sat on my shouldering whispering things like: ‚ÄúYou can do that!‚ÄĚ; ‚ÄúWhat are you waiting on?‚ÄĚ ‚ÄúWhat are you doing?‚ÄĚ ‚ÄúTry this instead…‚ÄĚ or ‚ÄúBelieve God for this..‚ÄĚ

And I listened. Started opening up my soul for MORE.

Praying for more, trying more, reaching out for more that helps me to be BETTER.

And something shifted. Just like that. A mentor of mine told me:‚ÄĚYou have a different confidence than you had last year.‚ÄĚ

And I agreed. Then reflected. There are consistent tasks I was working out in my soul, and they are proving well for me. So this year, I‚Äôm all about Receiving. Take life one day at a time- with an expectation of ‚Äúmore‚ÄĚ… on a consistent basis. Pushing myself past my limits, and smiling brightly at every turn.

I will tell you what they were next blog post. (Stay tuned.)

A Merrier Christmas‚Äô than Before.ūüéĄ

This was Christmas, this year.

I unexpectedly had a great Christmas. We lost our dad about two months ago, and I didn’t really expect it to be so neat! It’s important to know that during the holiday season some want to be with family, yet they cannot, because they have passed on. Some families don’t even get along much, which places a damper on things.

This Christmas I went outside and enjoyed some snow, few smiles, took pictures of pretty things, and ate some good food. They seem small, however; they are huge when some don’t even have that.

I didn’t get a lot of ūüéĀ , but then I didn’t really need any. That was like “totally” fine, because at age 50 it seems for me it’s really becoming about everyone else anyway.. at least during this year, anyway.

We even sang a bit, which made it merrier.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

This is my sweetie with his guitar. It was a delightful Christmas weekend with hubby and family. Nice and quiet , yet enjoyable.

They even ate most of my egg casserole! I think I like these. I really enjoyed how easy it was to make . So I tried a few new things, and even Netflix(ed) it with a bad hair day! Watched a few Christmas movies and few comedies and laughed (out loud) right on my couch!

Life is full of meaningful moments.They are really what makes holidays special. Quality time, new experiences and love. ūüíē

6. #50DaysToFifty: Joy At 50. Do Your Hearts Work.

IMG_20170826_222550Ava Duvernay inspires me. As I get older and wiser, I look to women like her, to inspire me. Strong, Powerful Black Woman, who doesn’t forget the skin she’s in. ¬†That has brought to light (on film) what the discrepancies are that exist between Blacks and Whites (in the Netflix movie 13th); and even giving insight as to why those disparities exist.

I’ve been contemplating on My Hearts Work, lately. Then one day on Instagram, Ava spoke to it.

Ava says:¬†“‚Ä™Before I was able to be a full-time filmmaker, I was a weekend warrior. Writing and shooting whenever I could. It’s Saturday. Do your heart’s work.‚Ĩ #onward xo”

When I was young, I ¬†used to want to be a librarian. ¬†My dad was a librarian for over ¬†thirty ¬†years. ¬†When I ¬†was little, my first memories acquainted with work was going to ¬†work with dad, and mom. ¬† I ¬†would ¬†ride with my dad on the Bookmobile, ¬†and ¬† travel to communities ¬† giving out ¬†books to ¬†the elderly, at ¬†nursing homes, and ¬†also ¬†community ¬†centers and ¬†other fun places where kids ¬†hung out. ¬†It was awesome I learned how to ¬†check out ¬†books so well, ¬†I decided I would work at the library for a while, and ¬†it was one of my first jobs! ¬†with mom, ¬†she was a ¬†teacher, so ¬†going ¬†to work with her and ¬†her classroom and on ¬† field trips, was the norm! ¬†It was ¬†exciting… but I knew I didn’t want to be ¬† a ¬†teacher. ¬†I did want to ¬† work with ¬†kids in some ¬†capacity, but I wasn’t sure how. ¬†I ¬†did like seeing them achieve, ¬† ¬†and pouring on the ¬†accolades.

Well… I ¬†didn’t ¬†quite become ¬†the librarian, but in college , ¬†it was always my work study ¬†choice. ¬†ALWAYS. ¬† Not ¬†because it was ¬†easy, it was ¬† quiet. ¬†and I loved ¬† quiet, and I also loved ¬†reading and ¬†researching. ¬†So it was fun. ¬†I ¬† had ¬†many ¬† ¬†libraries where I ¬†rejoiced ¬†in complete ¬† quiet and ¬†did my ¬†job. ¬†Quietly. ¬†I know ¬† — total introvert, right? ¬†Yep.

But mom’s ¬†job ¬†did ¬†sort of ¬† ¬†rub off on me. ¬†I became a ¬†social worker and ¬†guess where my longest running ¬† job was? ¬†In a ¬†elementary ¬†school. ¬†I did some high school in there , too. ¬†Loved working with kids ¬†as a social worker. ¬† They loved me too. ¬†Kids are so unconditional. ¬† They are also very ¬†faithful when you love on them. ¬†Love that about kids. ¬† I ¬†was able to ¬†mark this part of my life as a ¬†legacy ¬†leaver. I wanted to ¬†absolutely ¬† impact kids lives, but I also wanted to ¬†be ¬†one who impacted their parents, all the more. ¬† ¬†And ¬†so…. ¬†I became a counselor to ¬†and for ¬†families. ¬†In the substance abuse and addictions ¬†field. ¬†That’s where I am ¬†now. ¬† I am sort of loving helping moms ¬†to ¬†reconnect with their ¬†children. ¬†After years of neglect. ¬†Helping restore those families. ¬†Not sure if you know ¬† this about me, but I am ¬†a child of ¬†an alcoholic. ¬† Been there. ¬†Done that. ¬† ¬† Up ¬†until the age of eleven. ¬†My ¬†family ¬†went ¬†through some things that were rather challenging. ¬†But ¬†God….

My job…It’s ¬†rather rewarding and its ¬†also very ¬†cathartic. ¬† ¬†Kind of ¬†cleansing. ¬† Purifying work. ¬† Yeah… that’s it. ¬†It helps me feel …”full”. ¬† ¬† I ¬†guess ¬†that’s JOY, ¬†huh? ¬†Awesome. ¬†Guess ¬†I’ve ¬†come full circle. ¬†This kind of ¬†restoration is paramount in making me who ¬† I am, and ¬†who ¬†also I will be ¬†in the future. ¬† I ¬† dont have biological ¬†children, ¬†but I do have step ¬†children who need ¬†restoration. ¬† To a ¬† natural father and ¬† biological one. ¬†Yes, indeed. ¬†And I am ¬†ready ¬†to ¬† work it out.

So yeah..soon I’ll be 50 and I want to be known as a’ legacy leaver’ of ¬†Joy. I want to be one who pursued my dreams and people said the followed and found the same. I will keep dreaming as long as I live. If there where God has inspired me most with my dreams.‚̧¬†He has made the hardest one, come true. And turned it into a forever memory.

Surely , He can do more than this.

I’m in expectation.

Day 4. Weathered. #50daysToFifty

‚ÄúThe most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.‚ÄĚ
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

 

 

I looked up¬† the word¬† ” Weathered “ in sheer anticipation, hoping I could find some¬† jewel of a word¬† that described this¬† journey towards¬† fifty.¬† To tell t he truth, I didn’t f find¬† anything¬†¬† amazingly¬†¬† intriguing… but then,¬† some may beg to differ.

I was¬†¬†¬† encouraged by this word: ”¬†¬† countenance”.¬† Surprised?

Maybe.¬† I¬† thought¬† what¬† do I mean when I¬† say¬†¬†¬† a¬† weathered¬† ability about myself¬† exists¬† just¬† from becoming and¬† taking part in this ¬†thing called life?¬† I suppose it would have something to do with my¬†¬† ability to “be” –¬† come.

Your  countenance has everything to  do with you attitude,  your  bearings  and how you  wrap yourself around  a  situation or  thought life;   it has to  do with your character   your  condition, and your  demeanor.

I tell you… I am¬† not¬† pressed¬† about by¬† every whim and worry¬† no more.¬† I appreciate the¬† little things in life, and¬† the little people.¬† I¬† don’t¬† get all ‘tied up’ by things because I have¬† learned they just¬† tend to¬† work themselves out.¬†¬†¬† If we¬† seek peace, and we¬† pursue it.¬†¬† If we determine in our¬† hearts it¬† will work out,¬† ‘a¬† worked out ‘¬†¬† solution –¬†will eventually find us.¬†

I love the¬† word¬† countenance,¬† because it is¬† wrapped around this word “weathered.”¬† It helps me see that¬†¬† if I endure, and¬† if I withstand even¬† the most¬†¬† challenging¬† things in life –¬† even as a¬† tree¬†¬† weathers a¬† storm,¬† then¬† I¬† too, will have the marks to¬† show my resistance to the storms in life that¬† caused me¬†¬† to¬† doubt my¬†¬† ability to¬† withstand.¬†¬† I love the words resistance, as well.

For one,¬† as a therapist, we¬† tend to¬† see it as a¬† challenge when¬†¬† a client represents¬† with resistance.¬†¬† And I¬† thoroughly live¬† trying to¬† break¬† through it .. sometimes…¬†¬† although often it¬† can be a pain.

Just like anything else in life.   That requires   breakthrough.

Several of¬† us don’t¬† believe¬† in breakthrough.¬†¬† We¬† don’t¬† believe in ever¬† trying because¬†¬† we¬† think we already know what¬† shall happen.¬† However,¬† I have been so, so¬† surprised.

I remember one¬† time in my life,¬† I was¬† really, really depressed.¬†¬† And I¬† found out through¬†¬† surrendering,¬† life¬† became so much easier.¬† I wanted to give¬† up,¬† every single¬† day I woke up for about¬† a year.¬†¬† And I¬† wasn’t¬† really sure¬† what ” give up” meant, but …¬†¬†¬† I had a notion.¬†¬† so,, you know you get in that place, where you wonder in life.. “How¬† did I get here?!!”¬†¬† (¬† You think… Heck,¬† it¬† stinks.) And it did.

But then I¬† just let my soul¬† cry out , and feel the pain of being there.¬†¬† I¬† knew if¬† I was here, and¬† if my life had purpose, then¬† this was a part of¬† the process.¬†¬† But I also knew I had to come out of it.¬† I had to¬† ‘weather’ this.¬†¬† Yet I determined I would not do this alone. And if there was help,¬†¬† I asked God to send it.

And he  did.

Like… immediately.

 

And I tell you, I was shocked out of my mind.   That  there was  even  help like he sent it.

It¬† increased my hope.¬†¬† And¬† my¬† experience with God proved¬† that¬† if there was anything ever in life¬† to¬†¬† receive¬† breakthrough, with —¬† God was¬† the ‘One’ to bring the break through.¬†¬† changed my¬† whole demeanor, my¬† expression and attitude towards life , changed my outlook, my¬† disposition and¬† my¬†¬† grace in living , in this life.¬†¬† I¬† even had one¬† person¬† tell me I had¬† such “poise”¬† in how¬† I¬†¬† approached life.

I thought: “Wow …if they only knew me¬† and where I was in this¬†¬† dark hole,¬† like¬† ten years ago…”¬† Yeah,¬†¬† I have been weathered.

And happily so…¬† it¬† didn’t feel¬† very good at the time, and I¬† felt like¬† I was¬†¬† quite the unstable one… yet I had a¬† such a peace in the outcome.¬† And that’s¬† because I¬† cried out.

Surrendered.

Yes, my countenance changed.

  After all  that  weathering.

Hmmmm……