Category: “the hard stuff”

My Flavor of Being …Happy

"the hard stuff", Confidence, Identity, Naming, On Thriving
NikonCoolpix
Facebook thoughts…

Happiness has been a journey for me. I wrote this on my post today , and boy …was I surprised what I wrote!

I didn’t expect to write about the “flavor” of my happiness. I laugh inside because I didn’t expect Happiness to have a flavor… (haha) … But it does! Happiness has a taste of butterscotch ice cream or vanilla amaretto something-law, or other.. It’s a savoring kind of taste. something that makes you wants to taste it, like, forever.
I have tasted happiness but not so much until I reached fifty-something, on a consistent basis.

I attribute this to hard work. Hard work involving “working on ME.” I have being doing tons of self-evaluation lately. I had a group of women it began with; yet I ended up doing most of it involving me doing it alone. And I’ve been consistently over the past maybe fifteen years working on it with deep, digging , introspective work.

Here are the words that I feel like deserve some applause:

🌸Confidence

🌸Self-Love

🌸Motivation

🌸Self-Trust.

🌸Settled.

🌸Placed.

🌸Courageous

These words helped me to step out of my comfort zone. Amazing how “one-word” reflection can help you to become intentional. If you’d like to be involved in a process for this, let me know and I’ll coach you through the process .

Motivation.

"the hard stuff", Being Present., Motivation, Parenting, Receiving, SELF CARE

What keeps you motivated? I remember grappling with this question over a period of time- maybe ten years.

I was so discouraged with myself. I couldn’t remain motivated. But I was also depressed, in a long marriage that had run its course, and I need a new take on life.

With motivation, it seemed as though I’d start, feel good about myself & my life, , then I’d lose motivation . Couldn’t seem to figure out why, though .

I didn’t connect my love life, my relationship, and my sadness to my motivation. I needed an encouraging partner, I needed to value myself and my friendships and have friends that helped motivate me and kept me accountable, and I needed self-care. All these things were missing in my life. Once I had had a friend who was willing to help keep me accountable and kind of tutored me in this area, it seemed to help. I would keep her accountable for a few things, and she’s do the same for me.

For a while, we realized we weren’t using our time right. So we’d study a few things about developing margin in our lives and that helped immensely.

We even prayed together about what our goals were and what we wanted to change.

I found out later on, that motivation comes from within. It’s discipline of the heart and soul. It’s being specific about what you desire, then finding courage within to pursue it. I didn’t know this at the age of 38 years old . Wish I did. I might have been more focused, much sooner.

Made it to the beach last week!

Sometimes we live thinking there’s so much more out there than what we’re living. The truth is, we haven’t really lived until we’ve possessed what our soul really desires.

For instance, my soul wanted the best visit to a beach, last weekend. And I sought it out until I got it . I received best experience… because I was open to receiving it. And … I went with my best friend …(he enjoyed it too, after I asked a few times.)

So the first question is:

“What does your soul desire?”

The second question is:

How bad do you really want it?

The third question is:

How do you make room in your life to do it? ( I highly recommend getting a partner.)☺️

And sometimes you have to just try several ways of meeting the needs of your soul, before you find out. Pull out some paper and brainstorm some tactics that might work.

Do you need to go to that special place ‘right after work’ so it really happens? Do you need to get a babysitter on Saturday morning while to kid is still in bed – for a few hours to make it happen ?

Or do you simply need to just be spontaneous ? ( You know I forgot that was my one word this year? Spontaneity? Gosh, how’d that happen?)

Just remember, how ‘you’ possess your soul , how someone else possesses theirs, may be totally different.

But do possess your soul

It’s so worth it..

Clarity.

"the hard stuff", Embracing, intuition, On Thriving, Vulnerability
On the beach in 2019

Clarity.

It’s not easy to achieve. I mean should we even make it a goal? When 2019 happened, I initially didn’t desire clarity. I asked for something else. In fact, that word is a slight misnomer now, because Clarity assumed its position and took a hold of my destiny like none other .

“For sure, you’re wrong”, I said. “It’s not time yet, “ I mentioned as I wrestled with the change and let go of several valuables and said goodbye to friends in the state I couldn’t believe I was moving to nine years ago..

Sometimes Clarity happens so unexpectedly. We ask for it, then we’re really not ready when it comes because it capsizes our entire world.

Or at least it did. mine.

It was my one word for the year, you see. I didn’t intend for it to bring all love and light to pass. To highlight the love of family and allow me to make sacrifices that involved severe change. To move me out of my comfort zone and say: “ Welcome to this New Evolving Space!” Yeah, rhat was Clarity . But she’s become the friend I didn’t realize I had.

When I asked the Universe to give me clarity, God opened the heavens and said: “Take a risk.”

And at first, I said “No.” I thought I wasn’t ready, so Resistance spread her wings and tried to escape. But Clarity brought her silence and reminded me how “life really isn’t all about Lil o’ me.” Sometimes the people we love and the lives we love take precedence, as so it was.

Clarity revisited . 2019

So this year, Clarity – my one word – was sort of disruptive of my peace; yet freeing…surrendering, cautious, yet unconditional , loving and necessary, enlightening and freeing. Yeah… Freeing.

Yeah, but it has yielded great results , already. The lesson leavened was to let go of the things we hold unto so tightly because they could free us, almost unexpectedly, if only we were ready for change .

Clarity . (title) On Lake Ontario, N.Y.. in 2017

HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)

"the hard stuff", Intention, SELF CARE, Vulnerability

March 21, 2019

Hope.
It’s so obscure sometimes. Like … how do you stay hopeful?

Is it Friends that help you to remain hopeful?
Is there a routine that’s involved?
Is there something elusive about hope?
Does a lack of it, make us cry?
Make us sad? Is it reachable?
How do you know when you fully have it?
Does a lack of hope make us afraid?
Does a lack of hope make us feel insecure? Feel alone?
I can say yes to about all of these.

Just recently , I came through a dark period. I was barely hanging in there. I believe I always knew I would come out of it, but it was really hard to stay focused on coming out when my days were so low.
I managed to get through it , but wow.. some days were really tough.

There were many nights of deep breathing for me, yoga, quiet time, talking to my husband and asking for prayer from friends. I also had many nights of tea and on beautiful days outside…. I would sit in the sun. I even found comfort in my journal a few of those days or simply took a long nap. I had to magnify my self-care and pray quite a bit, because prayer is what helps me to take notice to my spirit and be honest with myself about where I am.
To be honest, I wasn’t thinking God was too close.

Continue reading “HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)” →

Intuition & Love… How Did I Get Here?

"the hard stuff", Dreaming, intuition, On Thriving, Receiving, Relationships

How did I  get here?

Ever ask yourself that  question?

I once  thought  about writing on  Intuition and Love a while  ago.  But I  wasn’t ready.  I had to decide how transparent I wanted to be.

Then I realized that I needed to see how the two overlap. I didn’t have enough knowledge.  Or so I thought…  but I DID have the experience.  I mean, this is hard  writing, I thought…  where is my capacity to   speak on this? 

How  can  I speak on this without  true experience?

Then I thought  about it. I guess true experience is the BEST  teacher, sometimes.  I  had to go deep within myself to find answers,  but  I think mostly  I had to  ask myself, first – how  did I get here?  When we ask ourselves  honest  questions,  sometimes we  get  honest answers.

I was in a relationship  that went  south. I mean  all the way south.  Like worse than cheating.  It was humiliating.  And I had to pick myself up with all   of the dignity I had left and determine within myself  and ask myself:

Did I ever want to be in relationship with this person  again?

Did I trust   ever again  being able to trust this person with my  well-being, my life, my friendship?

And the answer was a resounding “No.”

Not to  say that person  couldn’t change one day,  but I had been in hell with them, and they basically let me sink to the bottom of the pit.  People like  that  don’t deserve my trust.  That’s what I determined in side.  Even my dreams  spoke to it.  I mean, I asked God:

“Show me his heart.”

So  check this out –  Spirit showed me this – once I was still enough:

This was the answer to my request:

I had a very vivid dream I was in a car ,  and my  significant  other was driving the car…. (this was before all of the  stuff went down –  and you  know I didn’t want to say stuff,  right ? I’m  just being polite.) –   and so in the dream he drove both of  over a cliff, he got out of the car and saved himself, and I kept  drowning.  In the back  seat though, was the most kindest and  most  beautiful person I had ever known – my brother- and he represented for me: GOODNESS in my life. 

I  found out through this dream, God was speaking to me.  Because Goodness  saved me.  And  Goodness was  what I had been neglecting in my life, all along.

jen

So now here’s what’s true: Without introspective  questions, I would have never  kept my life so sacred. This sacred act of self-inspiration SAVED me.

And sacredness was what I was all about, in that season of my life.  I had to find myself again.  And in the true essence of who I was, I had to determine where had I lost my soul.  My mind – where was it? My will  –  why did I  give it away?  And my  emotions  – why did they numb out ?

That’s  what  I did when I lost my soul, My ability to decide… I lost my thought life. I gave away  what was most sacred – my own personal opinion and thoughts  – to  someone else.  And THAT  was NOT OK.

My whole life had been  turned upside down because I put all my trust in one person.  And I thought: ” How had he become my God?

I had not been intuitive. I had not  thought about  the love I was   NOT  experiencing.  I  just wanted to  be with him.  Not  in love, not loved,  settling for less, and   not living up to my own expectations.  Not , I wasn’t perfect,  but I sure was using my best wisdom, sure wasn’t’  seeking advice from my smart sisters,  and I sure was isolating myself from every one I lived.  How did I get here?

I know. I ignored myself, my needs, and I didn’t listen to  not determine what I wanted, and  GO after it.  Yet this perceived ‘failure’ was  teaching me to respect myself in the future. To ask myself what was important first, then LOVE that, And only that, because it was God’s life first,  and then my own, to decide.

Selah.

This is  a writing on the  “12 Gems” stories .. this one is on Intuition, and I am taking all year to focus on what it means to “”Receive” and  basically,  take a look within.  To think about how I got to the other side of life’s circumstance, and really began living. 

And so here am I. 

Memories from My Moves: The Value of Writing During Life Transition.

"the hard stuff", Transition

I have moved  approximately nine times in my life.  I  know it sounds like a lot, but  several of those moves were  within state and  needed for job transition .

Doesn’t make it any any easier, nor  does it make it  less of an issue.  I  have to admit – I don’t really lke moving per say, but I have  enjoyed  learning  new cultures and new places and people where I have lived.

I have moved to  get a  new start on life maybe  three times.  The others were due to the fact I was running,  I  just did not like my life there anymore, and three  times I have moved with issues  surrounding “a man”. I never wanted to follow a man, but I  twice moved once because  I  wanted to “get away ” from  a man; and I must’ve learned from it;  because the other I’ve involved wanting  to be ‘near’ a young man, and that man eventually became my husband. And that was a  really good move.  To Texas.  Texas enlivened me.  I  flourished there. I had  friends I had never had  anything like before, and  they were supportive of me.

Moves are hard though if you’re a introvert. I’ve found that getting involved with groups helps me spread the love around and have a more active social life.

backlight grapes.jpgWith every move,   I  have had, ‘journaling’ has  given me a sense of place and  recogniton of the move and  resolve and acceptance. Writing became my mainstay. I later found  it to be a way I coped with transitions.

Here’an old post but good one  that reminds me where  I  find  resolve with  my every  move.  It was never publlshed, just  something I found in an old newsletter   I’d  made.

I Will Be Transitioning!

 I have found value in my writing lately.  I am  in a transitioning phase.
At the end of this week, I  will be moving to a new home. I am a bit sentimental,  and have begun to take pictures as I transition for this home, to the next. Thusly, I’ve been doing a lot of writing.

One of my last sessions  this past summer, we spoke about the  value of journal-keeping. Lately that has been a struggle for me, in terms of consistency, but I have been  keeping a voice diary. It’s like a journal, but  just easier. Stay tuned for examples of  my e-course I am making and my Soundcloud voice diaries I keep,  and desire to share or you to think about rest easier. Though my course isn’t finished yet, I do desire you hear the diaries to think about  the perspective I have on the relationship we need to have with rest for our soul-care.
 
Journal writing has several values.While studying these facts, I discovered why the act of writing  is such a consoling practice for me. I literally believe keeping a journal has SAVED MY LIFE. I am sure some of you can relate.  Here’s what Peg Nolan,  has found as  a few truths:   

1. “Journal  writing  brings me clarity.” – It helps me to see myself and acknowledge my fears, so I can begin to work on them.
2. “Journal  writing  helps me focus.” Nothing better than knowing that my mind can settle because I now have it now on paper, and can return to that thought, and it won’t be caught out in oblivion.
3. “Journal  writing is for my own personal  accountability.”  – Sometimes if there is no one to tell that dream to, it helps to be accountable to myself by writing it down.
4.“I can yell in my journal and no one will hear me raise my voice.”  – And I do yell – mind you, with LOTS of exclamation points for those things I struggle  to comprehend.
5.“ Journal  writing  increases my self-awareness.” (Oh yeah,. and my self confidence…)
6. “Journal  writing reduces my stress.” It keeps my blood pressure regulated. I believe once it saved my life. Kept me sane…
7.“ Journal  writing a place to sort through my struggles.” I am always focused on maturing my SOUL… it’s an ongoing battle and I need it in order to be self actualized.
8.“Journal  writing gives me peace of mind.”  And an ability to listen intently to my thoughts, and  to  talk  softly with God about them. (Love it! I am such a deep thinker!)
9.“Journal  writing  a vision illuminator !”-  My dreams grow and incubate and simmer… some more…and  then they do something else…they  ‘crystallize’ – which when defined means to become definite or clear . I  found this with every move, to be true. 
10. ( This one is mine! )…I can hear God speak, when I write: I believe God is ALWAYS speaking, we just aren’t quiet enough to hear Him.
11.“ Journal  writing is an idea incubator.” –  Man oh man, I have so many ideas, I could write about a book about ALL OF THEM!!
12. “Journal  writing is a judgment-free zone.” –  You’re  definitely  not  going to find anyone peering over your  shoulder – unless you give them  permssion  – to  look, or   leave cause for that to happen…) And no one can give me feedback and I can sit with myself and my own thoughts and keep them as private as I want, til they are born and put into practice…OR NOT.
 

Acceptance & Receiving.

"the hard stuff", 12 Gems, Dreaming, On Thriving

This very well may be first writing in 2018 on Receiving. I suppose if I set a goal, then by the end of this year, both you and me shall learn immensely about my one word. (So my first goal is to truly see where this precious word leads me!)

I will say this, this evening I wasn’t even looking for the word and it sort of “popped up” on  the  screen ,  STARING AT ME as if I asked   the word to embrace me. Accept.

I wasnt sure…  what  wasn’t  I accepting? What  did I not desire to   receive?  Why was  this word  already of “Receiving” challenging me  so very soon into the new year?

img_1773

Seeing the word “receive” in this definition, the same word offered unto me “as acceptance”; gave me goosebumps! I  wasnt  ready… but my word said I was. So  why do I need  “consent to receive?”  I asked.  Consent is needing permission for  something to   happen.  Or needing  agreement in order for something to happen.   Here it is  20  days into  the  year and I  still havent  given myself  permission to   receive. 

And  so….  I  struggle with my writing and with my soul  to acknowledge  what’s been  hard to believe since  the end of December.  It’s time.   To  walk in.  To believe.  To  receive.

'Captured Moonbeam.'
‘Captured Moonbeam’ by You Are So Beautiful Photography

I  think I have been   looking for this  kind of  VALIDATION  for  such a long, long time.  And I am not sure  if I am  still there.  But  I shall keep  surrendering.  I  think its the  quickest way unto  Receiving.

Anything.

As if  receiving has a  door gate, and  I am the gatekeeper. 

Selah.

Receiving. My Word for 2018.

"the hard stuff", Being Present., On Thriving, Receiving

BD63AA00-8730-481E-B68A-C3042CF89B6D

Hey there, first week in January and I feeling like I’m on a roll, already! I’ve been doing a out of contemplating over the past two weeks an have found that being in the place of “Receiving “ has been very prosperous for me.

Let me be completely  transparent about why this word is so meaningful.

Well first of all, I realize I’ve been believing and walking beneath my own standard. A standard is something we set for ourselves- or something that has a certain level of authority , in our lives – “a  rule or principle established by ethics, morals customs as acceptable by an individual.

Anything that has authority in your life has rules and principles to follow. And yes .. these principles should establish me, fully. I haven’t been receiving.

Theres been quite a bit of lack in my life, and a few things I had been to fearful to walk out … so I didn’t give it my all. Truth is, I didn’t  believe I could have it. Had pretty much convinced myself  that I could “settle”. Settle for what?

LESS.

Yeah, and was comfortable with less, too. Or “just enough”. You know, we get comfy where we are, and we stop reaching. We forget we have goals and the goals we beloved in, become clouded over because we either stop believing or we lose sight of inspirational folk who help guide us there.

As long as I was comfortable, I was good. Then the little “more” angel came and sat on my shouldering whispering things like: “You can do that!”; “What are you waiting on?” “What are you doing?” “Try this instead…” or “Believe God for this..”

And I listened. Started opening up my soul for MORE.

Praying for more, trying more, reaching out for more that helps me to be BETTER.

And something shifted. Just like that. A mentor of mine told me:”You have a different confidence than you had last year.”

And I agreed. Then reflected. There are consistent tasks I was working out in my soul, and they are proving well for me. So this year, I’m all about Receiving. Take life one day at a time- with an expectation of “more”… on a consistent basis. Pushing myself past my limits, and smiling brightly at every turn.

I will tell you what they were next blog post. (Stay tuned.)

A Merrier Christmas’ than Before.🎄

"the hard stuff", Meaningful Moments

This was Christmas, this year.

I unexpectedly had a great Christmas. We lost our dad about two months ago, and I didn’t really expect it to be so neat! It’s important to know that during the holiday season some want to be with family, yet they cannot, because they have passed on. Some families don’t even get along much, which places a damper on things.

This Christmas I went outside and enjoyed some snow, few smiles, took pictures of pretty things, and ate some good food. They seem small, however; they are huge when some don’t even have that.

I didn’t get a lot of 🎁 , but then I didn’t really need any. That was like “totally” fine, because at age 50 it seems for me it’s really becoming about everyone else anyway.. at least during this year, anyway.

We even sang a bit, which made it merrier.

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This is my sweetie with his guitar. It was a delightful Christmas weekend with hubby and family. Nice and quiet , yet enjoyable.

They even ate most of my egg casserole! I think I like these. I really enjoyed how easy it was to make . So I tried a few new things, and even Netflix(ed) it with a bad hair day! Watched a few Christmas movies and few comedies and laughed (out loud) right on my couch!

Life is full of meaningful moments.They are really what makes holidays special. Quality time, new experiences and love. 💕

6. #50DaysToFifty: Joy At 50. Do Your Hearts Work.

"the hard stuff", #50DaysToFifty, Dreaming

IMG_20170826_222550Ava Duvernay inspires me. As I get older and wiser, I look to women like her, to inspire me. Strong, Powerful Black Woman, who doesn’t forget the skin she’s in.  That has brought to light (on film) what the discrepancies are that exist between Blacks and Whites (in the Netflix movie 13th); and even giving insight as to why those disparities exist.

I’ve been contemplating on My Hearts Work, lately. Then one day on Instagram, Ava spoke to it.

Ava says: “‪Before I was able to be a full-time filmmaker, I was a weekend warrior. Writing and shooting whenever I could. It’s Saturday. Do your heart’s work.‬ #onward xo”

When I was young, I  used to want to be a librarian.  My dad was a librarian for over  thirty  years.  When I  was little, my first memories acquainted with work was going to  work with dad, and mom.   I  would  ride with my dad on the Bookmobile,  and   travel to communities   giving out  books to  the elderly, at  nursing homes, and  also  community  centers and  other fun places where kids  hung out.  It was awesome I learned how to  check out  books so well,  I decided I would work at the library for a while, and  it was one of my first jobs!  with mom,  she was a  teacher, so  going  to work with her and  her classroom and on   field trips, was the norm!  It was  exciting… but I knew I didn’t want to be   a  teacher.  I did want to   work with  kids in some  capacity, but I wasn’t sure how.  I  did like seeing them achieve,    and pouring on the  accolades.

Well… I  didn’t  quite become  the librarian, but in college ,  it was always my work study  choice.  ALWAYS.   Not  because it was  easy, it was   quiet.  and I loved   quiet, and I also loved  reading and  researching.  So it was fun.  I   had  many    libraries where I  rejoiced  in complete   quiet and  did my  job.  Quietly.  I know   — total introvert, right?  Yep.

But mom’s  job  did  sort of    rub off on me.  I became a  social worker and  guess where my longest running   job was?  In a  elementary  school.  I did some high school in there , too.  Loved working with kids  as a social worker.   They loved me too.  Kids are so unconditional.   They are also very  faithful when you love on them.  Love that about kids.   I  was able to  mark this part of my life as a  legacy  leaver. I wanted to  absolutely   impact kids lives, but I also wanted to  be  one who impacted their parents, all the more.    And  so….  I became a counselor to  and for  families.  In the substance abuse and addictions  field.  That’s where I am  now.   I am sort of loving helping moms  to  reconnect with their  children.  After years of neglect.  Helping restore those families.  Not sure if you know   this about me, but I am  a child of  an alcoholic.   Been there.  Done that.     Up  until the age of eleven.  My  family  went  through some things that were rather challenging.  But  God….

My job…It’s  rather rewarding and its  also very  cathartic.    Kind of  cleansing.   Purifying work.   Yeah… that’s it.  It helps me feel …”full”.     I  guess  that’s JOY,  huh?  Awesome.  Guess  I’ve  come full circle.  This kind of  restoration is paramount in making me who   I am, and  who  also I will be  in the future.   I   dont have biological  children,  but I do have step  children who need  restoration.   To a   natural father and   biological one.  Yes, indeed.  And I am  ready  to   work it out.

So yeah..soon I’ll be 50 and I want to be known as a’ legacy leaver’ of  Joy. I want to be one who pursued my dreams and people said the followed and found the same. I will keep dreaming as long as I live. If there where God has inspired me most with my dreams.❤ He has made the hardest one, come true. And turned it into a forever memory.

Surely , He can do more than this.

I’m in expectation.