My Flavor of Being …Happy

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Facebook thoughts…

Happiness has been a journey for me. I wrote this on my post today , and boy …was I surprised what I wrote!

I didn’t expect to write about the “flavor” of my happiness. I laugh inside because I didn’t expect Happiness to have a flavor… (haha) … But it does! Happiness has a taste of butterscotch ice cream or vanilla amaretto something-law, or other.. It’s a savoring kind of taste. something that makes you wants to taste it, like, forever.
I have tasted happiness but not so much until I reached fifty-something, on a consistent basis.

I attribute this to hard work. Hard work involving “working on ME.” I have being doing tons of self-evaluation lately. I had a group of women it began with; yet I ended up doing most of it involving me doing it alone. And I’ve been consistently over the past maybe fifteen years working on it with deep, digging , introspective work.

Here are the words that I feel like deserve some applause:

🌸Confidence

🌸Self-Love

🌸Motivation

🌸Self-Trust.

🌸Settled.

🌸Placed.

🌸Courageous

These words helped me to step out of my comfort zone. Amazing how “one-word” reflection can help you to become intentional. If you’d like to be involved in a process for this, let me know and I’ll coach you through the process .

My Friends Are One of A Kind..

One of a kind.

Friends are few and far between, & are hard to find. Above my friend Meg, and she’s pregnant and ready to deliver her child! (We just celebrated her little one is coming really soon!)

It’s been real living in Tulsa Ok. We are headed to Rochester , N.Y. after nine years of living in Tulsa and I’m thankful for friends .

When I first moved to Tulsa, It took about two good years to find friends . I thought it was the longest time, but grateful when I did. It seemed that friends were found most easy, in having gatherings and so that’s what I did.

I went to Meet Up Dot Com to start a book writing club and it turned out great. We had attendees from all over the area and it felt good to have peeps come from near and far and it felt authentic, friendly and at home.

That’s what Tulsa has felt like to me: My Second Home.

I then decided to have a rather group called Shine- Sisters Helping Inspire Nurture & Excel. This group lasted for over a year. We only disbanded because our schedules shifted in a big way and I began to transition to leave town.

I’ve sincerely met some good friends and I’m thankful . My friends in tulsa have loved on me in a big way and it’s been awesome to share my lives with them. It’s felt mighty good to know them!

We’ve gone to conferences together, wrote books together gathered to pray , or just to have a snack in an empty house and focus on the Lord. We’ve laughed and went away on retreats together near beautiful lakes, went on walks in the woods; met up at writers conferences ; and everything else that friends do to have fun. We also loved on each other during challenging times. Nothing like having a friend support you when you’ve written an entire program and are due to launch it and can’t find it at all on the computer ! (Oh no!)

Or like the time you get a new job ( again ), and you’re going through a mid- life crisis and decide to make changes with them all, and need to begin a new career!

Or you’re having that baby for the first time and need that mental, spiritual and emotional support that friends give!

Yeah… we were a family of friends and it was great. Who would’ve known it would begin so challenging and then I end up leaving SO blessed!

As I leave Tulsa, I would say my birthday in Pawhuska was the best! Spending time in nature and a bed and breakfast, and eating out and shopping in a small town was better than I thought !

My walk at midnight in the woods with Kristi B. was AWESOME!! Nature never felt so good! I can truly say that the love of the people in Tulsa was genuine and felt like home!

(My home away from home!)☺️👋🏾

So… one might imagine …

Leaving Tulsa… is like a fine memory of Iove, laughter and life.. I spent most of my forties here.. it’s where I ‘really’ grew up. Where I matured. I don’t think you really know you loved some places until you have to leave them. Loved the people, loved the work, & I loved the learning … So So much Learning! I made a lot of mistakes; but man, did I learn from them. Some of my greatest lessons of love❤️ have been spun in the web of conflict resolution and difficulty . Yet I’m grateful.
Thanks loved ones!

Gonna miss ya!

Looking Into The Windows of my Soul…

Sometimes I look deeper..

Deeper within.

‘Cause I hope you know that Vulnerability is an eye to the window of your soul.

I remember a time when I knew I had skills; yet I didn’t use them.

I took no risks.

It wasn’t until I began to “call myself a photographer, that I truly became one.”

It wasn’t until I began to “call myself a writer that I became an author.”

And it wasn’t until I began to find my voice and project vision, that I ‘knocked the socks off’ my listeners with my speaking.

I am somebody.

How do I know? I sow seed and it produces some thirty, sixty, one hundred-fold.

I am Enough.

I Trust enough.

I Lead enough.

I Pledge to BE excellent enough…

I Thrive enough.

I excel enough.

I am God perfect plan to bless the earth with His Goodness , His Mercy, His Light.

The sky is the limit,

The earth is my classroom,

And God people are my prospects.

Let’s Go!

Settling.

Greener Pastures: (My post on Better Self-Worth& Esteem)

Psalm 23:1

The Lord is My Shepherd. I lack nothing.”

I’m learning to appreciate everything these days….. And I am blessed to be able to be living in a place where I’ve been for seven years. It’s been a journey of acceptance; yet also esteem.

Approximately 13 or 14 years ago I was in a flux… trying to decide whether or not I should relocate to a new state, (D.C.) -and begin all over again. I decided I would begin there again …and get a new start. That has been one of the biggest and grandest decisions of my life. It has matured me. Encouraged me to be a grown-up! And to learn how to “live life” again after deep sorrows. Once I mastered living in DC; My husband found me. Only problem was…(He lived in Texas!!) I remember his words before he got out of my car and few back to TX that long weekend we shared at the African Heritage conference: “What would it take to get you to move to Texas?”

I paused, thought about it and said: ” I’d have to be getting married or have a really GOOD job.” He said: Okay… I’ll work on that.” I smiled. But had no huge hopes….heck, I’d just finished another trip down ‘marriage lane’ , and was not in any rush to do it again.

Can I say this man mapped out a really good plan? I believe that’s how I knew he was the one. He sent for me a month later.. & within six months I was in Texas with my own apartment! One year later, we were married.

Texas was home for for 4 years… and then we shifted to our destined place; Tulsa, OK. – & I fought being a mid-westerner with all my being….”Ole Okie” kinda grew on me.

I can truly say Oklahoma has brought me greener pastures and as been a beautiful journey to better esteem. ❤️

I’m not a cliche’ person who believes that esteem comes via a mans influence on a woman… but I’d venture to say , if he is truly the one.. and he ‘models’ excellent esteem, he can sure make a woman feel quite worthy.

Worth comes from loving yourself and cherishing what you bring to the table. This man and his long talks had me convinced he’d found his ” good thing”. Since being married to Tim, I’ve invested in my self-worth and delighted in being encouraged by a husband who encourages this as a lifestyle.

Everything from giving me books to read on self-care; feeding the ‘goodness’ with my personality; encouraging positive friendships; being creative with my hobbies; starting women’s groups; exercising; going on trips; encouraging my spirituality… the list goes on.

I feel worthy today.

And “settling” was not in the plan. It wasn’t always my dream. God changed that. He had to make me feel worthy of this kind of settling, then changed my heart, my soul and my mind.

And now I’m on a journey to feeling complete . And a healthy marriage encourages this lifestyle.❤️

I have committed this year in 2018 to writing about 💎 Diamonds my online course and writing about the gems therein. To make it even more exciting, I’m challenging myself to write a book on how I got to the “Other Side” of pursuing me.” Stay tuned as I share more on this journey, & shall eventually provide links to this course.

Confidence.

Since this month I am  speaking about esteem…  and where it comes from  and how it’s developed, I wanted to share  my story on  how I personally developed  my confidence and esteem .

It’s  a story of several  weaved into one,  but  they  all have   deep meaning.   My  story  doesn’t  begin here.. but I wanted to share  this  belief with you , because this young student  from South Africa  spoke to my heart and through my heart into something i have always believed.  She was the essence of my dream, articulated.     And  this was  when  I rose to the occasion and began  ‘activating’ my journey. 

It was  in    May of 2003  and  this room of young people had been gathered together to be encouraged.   I was not  surprised,  but then I was.  They were here to  hear a woman from  America  speak about following their dreams.   Why? because  young people in South Africa, particularly in Kuma,  South  Africa – in this  case,  had  been discouraged.  Suicide was  rampant,  across the land –  and  they needed a voice of encouragement.     And God sent me. 

I had  known I was up for the challenge, indeed

It had taken  six months to get here.  And I knew I was coming, but I had to be prepared.   So six months prior God began to establish His  message in me.  It  was a lot of  quiet time spent with Him to  hear what He wanted me to say.  I decided   during this  time , that if God was going to send me to South  Africa,  I  must have  had something mighty  important to say.

Standing before that room and listening to this  young lady, I had heard this before.  I had  heard this  in my Bible,  in my  teacher’s  rooms,  and I  heard the same voice of  encouragement in mother’s voice,  my mentors and auntie’s voices  that were  encouraging me on.   You see, what she  saw,  I saw  because  those gone before me  had manifested that belief in me.   I  knew the strength  she  knew was in her people;  she had believed was there all along.

And  so, my confidence  has come through the walking of other’s  shoes.  The  stride of their pride,  and the   risks they have taken to make  the  messages they  believed in made clear.   Without those  risks – they would not be where they were.  I told them  the risk I took in leaving everything in America behind.   I   did not believe I could make it to  S. Africa, and yet here I was , standing in a room before them,  encouraging their hearts  – Because  God chose me. 

I  told them how I was  chosen , the opposition I came up  against, and  how I still made it to speak to them.  It took  loads of faith.  Not just mine… but  others.   Then I turned the page, and told them I  came on  the backs of my ancestors.  And I knew I had to get to Africa  because  it was home. Home of my identity. And I told them how privileged they were to be in touch with the honor of being home. And living “at home”. they  were the dream  I had set out to be.  The dream of knowing and believing I had to return to my  ancestors   place of residence,  and “be that Queen.” 

The  queen  that  spoke largely to my destiny and my  significance, and the  queen  that  I studied about  – and who had lived  here in Africa, long before them. 

Yes,  they were   surprised they were my inspiration.

But my  inspiration had a long and lengthy legacy  of hope and faith.

 Selah. 

I have committed this year in 2018 to writing about 💎 Diamonds my online course and writing about the gems therein. To make it even more exciting, I’m challenging myself to write a book on how I got to the “Other Side” of pursuing me.”stay tuned as I share more on this journey, & eventually provide links to the course.

HAPPY People are Healthy People

Just sharing on how Happy People Are Healthy People! #NthabiHappy

 Happy people  do healthy  activities.

  1.  Happy  people  care about  who they call “friends”. They make  good choices  about who they spend their time with , and if those people are not  encouraging or   uplifting, they detach.
  2.  Happy  people  enjoy  good company of  those who pour  goodness into their lives.  They seek out mentors and people of faith to  encourage the lower  points of their lives, when they are down or discouraged. They seek out those who  encourage their leadership.
  3.  Happy people  are people who  watch what they eat.  As unpleasant as something might be to eat, if they  enhance your  overall body  weight ,  feeling and  energy,  you  DO IT!.  If you have to  get a partner, you have to   ask for help, you have to  join a group, you   DO IT!
  4.  Happy  people  love to  do  self-care.  They  walk, they  spend time pampering themselves,  they  eat  right,  and not too much  junk(  they might cheat once a week) ,  they  spend money on themselves without feeling  guilty, because they work hard and   love to look in the mirror and see a  good reflection smiling back   at them,)

Take a ride here and see what I am   taking about over on  Facebook!  I have a lot to   say lately  about  HAPPINESS!

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My Natural Hair Story/Journey

If you’d ask what’s the one thing that helps me to feel alive…its my hair.  I a absoooooolutely  love  having   locs that are free …MOST of the time, and  it  feels  good to   just have natural  hair that GOD made… and  see how the journey  helps me to be free  with the  growth and  I am  intrigued most of the time to  see what God does with it, next!

Washing my hair can be a source of pure pride. I actually have this sort of “glee” inside when I wash it, because I am often each time I am reminded of my spiritual journey. Perhaps because i researched a bit, and found hair is symbolic of several things: power, pride, shame & glory; and I even read some place it is relative to being thought of as: “the external soul”. Deep.

So.. Here’s my “Hair Story :

Over the past 8 yrs, I’ve wrestled with my hair. Its been quite a journey. “Should I cut it? Should I keep it long?” Will I know what to do with it when it grows out of control?” i now know that growing out of control was just an illusion, and I had issues with what people thought. So glad hat has subsided, and been buried in the ground. My hair has a preserving effect. It has kept me strong and delighted. hopeful and observant. And Telling. (Yes, with a capital ‘T’.) Because there is a certain “earthi-ness”, that comes with me, and I simple adore. I don’t like being categorized or placed into any one’s spectrum. I love to be brave, and have recognized the strength in being a brave soul. It’s been a journey, of sorts. A blessed one, indeed. One that has matured me, delighted my soul, kept me sane, and I can easily trace back to major sentiments and transitions in my life.

One of them being on the heels of a return from S. Africa, and a love for the people and how their hair were often personal & cultural statements about their lives, and mirrors to their soul. I now realize the ‘wrestling’ was not just with me, it was with my soul. And my lifestyle. And my choices about how I LIVED my life. I have realized where this new hair journey began for me, began with several new beginnings, and with each new beginning, I feel that much more resolve.

I am grateful for my hair journey today, the maturity, the resolve, the growth of my life and person-hood, and the courageous young woman it has helped me to become as i delved a little deeper in my soul, noticed where my life was going, considered what ‘beauty’ and Nthabi, looked like… (my African name). I have found my life wrapped up in my hair these past eleven yrs, and I am proud to say the woman I was then, I am no longer. My hair has evolved with me. Even my confidence, my refuge in this past year, and often my awakening.

Selah. 10-29-31.

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August 28,  2017.

Recently I changed my hair color and found my personality changing with it. Feels good to have options that add to your livelihood and manner of being!

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I AM ENOUGH BECAUSE I AM AWARE.

2D278918544E4C25A95045BF2C4CD158-1.jpgI decided to write a new series. I was in a  Celebrate Recovery group and  talking about feeling “helpless”. It was a process for me to discuss in group, because as soon as I  spoke about why I tend to feel worried and  procrastinate on some things, I realized that  This vulnerable space I often feel between  not worrying and trusting God  causes me to  feel way too vulnerable.

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I Am Enough Because I Am Aware. 

Aware of what? Yogu may ask.
I am aware of my surroundings, the people I love and even the people I am not all that crazy about. I am aware of where I am going, and often where I am I am aware of the mistakes I have made, and the ones that  I almost made. I am  aware.
Awareness is about being tuned in. Choosing to  listen, tune in and observe. I hear what my soul is saying: My mind will and emotions, and I am  listening to what is right for me.
  1.  What is right, or isn’t right… in my relationships?
  2.  What is right, or isn’t right for me in regard to my emotions?
  3.  What is right or isn’t right, for me  in terms of how I operate in this world?
  4.  Who am I influencing and am I a RESOURCE  to someone else?
  5. 5. Am I really taking a God-honest look and reflection of how I present myself in this world?
Am I responsive to others in my circle?
Do I have a protective circle of adults, friends and  teachers/mentors who  reach out to me, assist me in decision-making and share their lives with me on some level?
Who are these people who help me to stay aware?
( You fill them in: ) 
  1. My Mentors:
  2. My Family Members:
  3. My Friends:
  4. My (Adult) Teachers:
  5. My (Adult)Leaders: (both in my life and in the media or books.)
Please note the names and reasons why these persons are significant in your life, today. How do they aid in helping your progress, grow and  become your best self?
Then ask yourself:
How often do you connect with them?
 
As a  young woman who is tuned in and AWARE :
I realize I must be productive, mature, positive, acquainted and alert .
 
I am productive.
I tell you , this one took a while.  I  used to find it hard to stay productive. always learning, absorbing, seeking knowledge… Something was always in the way of my growth and progress for a while. Then  I had to take ownership and make personal goals about where I wanted to end up.  I actually take the time to read daily the blogs of persons that inspire my passions of photography, and of  writing, and self-awareness .  It has definitely made me more creative. Yes,I study my craft. The things I am in good in.  Communicating,  Perceiving, Writing, and Observing. (And those are just a few.)  I wasn’t even aware I was really doing this, until I had a really major epiphany /downfall  in about 1997. It was more emotional  and spiritual than it was mental. Well, I take that back, it was actually very mental.
I  was  in really made aware and I realized how unimportant TV is, to making me a whole person. I thought: “I am a person who is well-loved,  complete, and  considerate of others’ and their personal growth. And i want to give that back to others. How can I do it?  Because when I was struggling,  and my life had fallen apart, I wanted to help others pick backup the pieces. And so I committed myself greatly to that goal.
 
I am mature.
I don’t waste time  on issues that are petty and  issues that don’t matter. I spend time alert to how I can grow to be a better person and thrive in the skin I am in. I  work my strengths. I challenge myself to take on new projects or learn new  skills that help perfect my  work, my calling and my purpose.
 
I  am positive.  I am  one who tends to notice people, point out what is of interest to me, and I compliment what I see. If I see value in them, I note it. I am embrace what they give me, as well.  When negative energy surrounds me, I choose to remove myself from it, because I am clear it will not help me to continue to grow and evolve, and RISE. I know myself. I am willing to share myself with others, as they treat me with the respect I deserve, and I am familiar with people  who have like-passion and purpose.
 
I am acquainted – with myself and others.
Why is it important to  be familiar  with persons of similar passions, they enhance and direct me  closer to my goals and my purpose in life? Because it’s energizing! Synergetic! I have so much fun being connected to people who  actually love some of the things I love! And we join together for a common purpose, and common goals! It feel absolutely synergistic! Some of the most influential moments in my life have been in the presence of leaders  and deep thinkers who   move me of out complacency and encourage me to be a better person and become more self-actualized.
 
I am alert. I am careful about my relationships and I am careful about who I surround myself with as resource. Relationships can be the most  helpful or the most hurtful aspects of your life that  either help you  to soar, or cause you to become quite defeated. I have learned from enough hurtful relationships, that it’s not worth my time, nor my energy. 
Bottom line:
 Why invest  and waste time in something that doesn’t help me to be better? I have become so much better as a person because of people who were attentive, involved and noticed my strengths and help me build them. Those who helped me to become, and   and invested in me.
 
I am appreciative.  I am aware of when I need to be grateful and practice gracious living. I used to always pray for humility. I believe I used to know that being the babe in the family made me less aware and less conscious of the need to be aware, because everyone took care of me and things for me. I know , that I was a very  hard time in my life, right? (I’m being sarcastic). I was really blessed to have people care for me in ways completely undeserved, but I also know that I have to begin to get over myself. Being so important at a young age, made me take things also for granted, and I needed to grow up. So I had to  learn to be grateful, and  it took a while to learn that. I  began to use prayer as a vehicle to help me.
When I am UNAWARE, here’s what happens: I neglect myself. I  tend to do things that dont help me to grow, nor thrive I tend to not care about anyone, even myself. When I am neglectful, I am  talking too much, and not listening enough. I am full of myself , when I am  neglectful. More “me” than needs to be.☺️ I  tend to not  be very thankful either, when I am full of  myself.
 
Have you ever been more concerned about yourself than what’s really important ?  It’s not just being conceited, either, I tell you… it’s being like a glutton.  Consuming and wanting something so bad you’d do anything to get it. Quite honestly, that may involve being out of control. Immoderate.  I don’t like that feeling of being out of control. It makes you feel small, and insignificant. It makes you feel like you are not very important and… I don’t think we are well-liked  when we lack self-control. With every  act of  pride, a lack of self-control follows.
What self neglect can look like for me:
 
when I am UNAWARE, I don’t take CARE OF ME.
– Not eating healthy – (eating too much junk food)
– Not resting well – (staying up all hours of the night)
– Not spending time with people who appreciate me, or my time. (being with inconsiderate persons)

When I am UNAWARE, I am Negative. 

Worthiness.

Am I worthy?

How do I know?

What I base my  worth upon?

I  began to ask myself these  questions about  my worth when  I   was about thirty five.  I  didn’t stop til I washabout 38.

I used to base it upon   what my ex-husband  thought was  good and acceptable.  Even after I left him. And then, what my girlfriends  considered important, or…  my parents. Even as an adult, I based  my worth upon these people in my life.   I would think whatever anyone important to me thought was  important, it was also important to me, as well.

But I was so wrong.  I matured a bit, and found that  my worth is based more upon things that  God  finds worthy.  God gave me gifts , and one of the was the ability to   trust my instincts.  So…lately, it’s been my ability to discern . I had a very  hard time trusting myself, when  I was  the age of 37.  Then , one day, that all shifted.  and I decided to began to prioritize myself . I made some decisions with my purpose  and intentions in mind and I began to  ask myself what I wanted.

One of the  most fearful decisions in my life, was to move on. To not be in relationship with someone, who I truly cared for .  The only issues I had with this, was that I had to decide  how to  love myself more than I loved him.  I realized once I  loved myself fully,  ( I came to this revelation much later and longer after I had left him), that  loving  me felt really good, and  relationships could not dictate my worth. I would not  and could not control  how someone accepts me; and I actually had to grieve this relationship, even if I was not ready for it to end .  The other relationship… Was similar … I didn’t expect that one to end either , but I was confident it was time to end . I wasn’t grateful for these relationships to come to an end, yet they were purposed to do so.

I was so afraid to make a mistake when I decided  something, I thought if I did, my whole life would disintegrate.  I didn’t trust my own thinking.  And so I began to look at the source of that, to determine where I lost the ability to think for me. I realized my fear– “frozen fear”  discounted my worth. That I could not make decisions for myself unless I  first realized I was worthy of those  decisions.     And that  confident place of  worth had to come from deep down, so I asked  God where –  had I neglected myself  and why? And I began even to look at my family of origin and notice patterns of  family neglect and I prayed very hard for those patterns to leave my life.

My relationships were central to my worth in my past, and the relationships that didn’t allow me the freedom to live and  choose for myself –taught me I needed to make a few personal changes.l, and challenge myself differently with how I deserved to be treated . Those changes  taught me I needed to  change a few things about my relationships in general.

I’d like to share here those lessons learned :

1. Don’t filter a relationship  gone wrong as a rejection of you as an individual.  Don’t view it as a rejection.   You should filter it through the guise of  transparency. h If your esteem and worth isn’t higher, when you leave it because you stood for integrity and your values; then the person you were – may have lost a piece of you, in the process of being a part of it. If confusion and setting of goals and ambition disappeared, perhaps the person in that relationship was not healthy. Hopefully, you will be reminded of the truth and  realize that  you are better off believing the truth, rather than the  lies.

2. Don’t ‘force’ relationships to exist. If they aren’t going well , or end up  abruptly and unexpectedly ending, receive it. Let it go. It may have a lesson of release in it, but you’ll never know what it was, or wasn’t , until you decide to fully let it go and can independently evaluate what the lesson is, to learn. Some intimate relationships are meant to be friendships, some are lessons and others are keepers. The keepers cause you to maintain and increase in self-love. You shouldn’t ‘ t lose self-love when you’re forced to take a look a good, honest, look at yourself.

3. Choices come to us  every day. If we don’t let go , we stifle the growth. And sometimes growth needs to happen  through the conduit of surrender. Without our resistance.  And without our interruption. Selah.

4.  As you release… you will feel awful. Even in the grieving process … Accept. Grief comes as resolve when you are able to fully surrender. If you don’t surrender, you become stagnant  and sometimes you;ll go back if you resist the release. Grief, however, matures you, immensely , once you get to the acceptance phase. It’s a Teacher. Grief teaches you the blessing of embracing sorrow. And sorrow,once embraced, offers so much clarity.

5. Be angry. Yell, scream release . Then yell… Scream .. & release again. Do this 20 or more times, until you feel less stifled. Even if you must have a silent scream  Silent screams help too. I  recently took a silent scream within, ( I just couldn’t get it out)… and then I walked in the cold air, breathed and took some of the most beautiful pics I’d  ever taken before. Hmmm… (Maybe my silent scream turned into breathable breaths; because I found another release.) Believe me, though I had to breathe to SAVE my life.

6. Prioritize Your Worth . Oh yeah… The worth came once I moved into acceptance. Because I knew that the decisions I made were in a spirit of integrity; and  I knew  I was in full consideration, of  everyone involved  but me – I had to back track and ask myself – Jenn, …Do you deserve this? And most of my answers were a resounding YES. I completely let go… and  I decided I didn’t want to carry their baggage around with me, any more .

Sometimes complex relationship can confuse you into believing that  something is wrong with YOU. If the integrity factor weighs strong and you know all you have to the relationship was out of the goodness of your heart and for the  sake of being your best self, then you’re fine. If you experience oppression in your heart, feel weighted, or its way too painful , then you may need to process and heal from the experience with a counselor mentor or friend Don’t underestimate the power of a healthy heart lending an ear and – listening in to your struggle.

And one more thing… this is a wonderful time to RECEIVE. To just be around good, fun-lovin’ people, every chance you get. It balances off all the unhealthy stuff.

I’m linking up with the #GiveMEGrace Community!

Ever just wanted to be someone else?

Ever just wanted to be someone else?

I have. I remember when I was in   seventh grade.  I had  models and popular  people plastered all over  the walls in my bedroom like:  Phylicia  Rashaad, A.K.A.  “Claire  Huxtable –  because she was  the ‘ideal black  mother’  &  had it together – back in my day,   And of course, her sister, Debbie Allen, because she  could get down  dancing – and had a popular   show out about colleges students I liked, and  then I liked people  Prince, my favorite star – at the time –  liked- but didn’tSELRES_955ff592-5aaa-470a-9407-b6239f5176eeSELRES_bb9955a1-dbf4-4080-9e90-597f393c1e8bSELRES_658ddae2-f5f8-42b6-951d-248c5a63ed23SELRES_44cc0dcf-f1d6-4c20-8123-ac760e244bd3SELRES_44cc0dcf-f1d6-4c20-8123-ac760e244bd3SELRES_658ddae2-f5f8-42b6-951d-248c5a63ed23SELRES_bb9955a1-dbf4-4080-9e90-597f393c1e8bSELRES_955ff592-5aaa-470a-9407-b6239f5176ee want to be like him. Maybe I liked  people like ., because she was  a bad  woman drummer – or  Apollonia, because she seemed to  be the most interesting of all of Prince’s ladies… Or… I could pretty much do  ‘any model’ from Essence magazine or Ebony, or even  a really cute ‘Jet  Beauty’… all  black magazines in, then – because  it as time to get an “identity” and feel more like me.

But seriously, though… I  really had a complex.

I really didn’t know myself.  I didn’t even really now what color I liked.  And deep down inside I  didn’t know  what my interests were, who I wanted to be one day,, or even why I hug out with who I did.  I was really confused.  But   you could never tell me that.  thought since I had likes and dislikes, and  friend who liked me – and we’d wear matching jeans, and guys liked me too, and my boyfriend was the class president  of the whole Jr. High,  I too, then  –  was popular enough to be someone.  Because of what I owned .

Sometimes its really hard being ourselves.  We get upset  and  often feel like we don’t “measure up” and we don’t feel like we like our bodies, our faces , our clothes, our personalities or  our friendships, our lives fit… and we  try to “be” or look like someone else – just a little. We want  her eyes, or her hair and sometimes we even try to make I look that way… or we  try to get boyfriends who like  Prince and  friends like the women he liked. Because we didn’t know any better. Emulating that life, a little made us feel more important, in a way.

Yet I was chill after that stage of my life. And getting through the men and wondering what they wanted, and trying to please them. I finally lost sight of who i was and found God. God was unconditional. He loved me for me, and just accepted me with all my faults. I just decided to chill and accept God. And I finally grew up. It took time, and a lot of bad mistakes, but I finally made it. And now , I consider my God-identity , before I make major decisions, and I rise.
Yes, I rise.
It feels good inside to know that God is pleased with my decisions because it just feels like another part of me is being affirmed. And I have begun to feel whole. And at peace with being me. I am not people-pleasing, not worrying if I will be accepted, not being uncertain about and second-guessing my every move… I just think about my conscious, and I try to be intentional and purposed in everything I do.

Yeah, it’s  a  conscious  every  day challenge.