Still writing about my changes and my transitions with my move to New York…
Sometimes I have to be patient with myself…and it requires yielding without protesting . There’s a word for it. It’s called acquiescing . I mean, that’s what you do when your soul fights ( that’s a strong word, yet an accurate word)… against your spirit. Today, in service, one of the pastors talked about how taking care of our spirit is easy. It’s our souls we wrestle with the most. So ttrue. I agree. That’s what I’m struggling with a bit ,right now.
I have several friends who transitioned with me, this year. New beginnings are sprouting all over. Friends having babies, taking on new assignments,( me included) and going back to school, … & sometimes I stare into a pensive world , just contemplating the magnitude of what I’m about to begin. I love working with mothers ; yet I’ve never had children of my own. It’s the weirdest thing … I do have children that were my husbands children first, and they are amazing. And though I don’t get to spend a lot of time with them; it’s s blessing when I do get to see them. One of our children is marrying this year , & it’s definitely an exciting time for them.
My experience with this transition has brought exciting new beginnings; yet several losses and transitions. And as I feel saddened in my heart and soul- I feel the time I’ve had to reflect, and spend time writing, and get my life in order has been so necessary . At first I complained about having to wait a month to start work. And then, I thought about the time I usually need to “settle in”. We need to search for apartments, prepare my mind and thoughts for what’s to come ; think about all the new beginnings and new job, and new people I’ll meet, and adjust to new temperatures and seasons.
So yes, even with the grieving of friends and a city I was very familiar with, in Tulsa, OK. I accept this new city in NY, the job and transition, and the new expectations of me that will merit a “new me.”
I’m the person that loves new things . New experiences, new life, starting from scratch, and making new friends . My purpose could never be clearer. Yet it’s kind of scary, when it’s new. I have to remind myself the vulnerable state I’m in is a good thing. It’s not negative in any way; I just need to remember that so have a hope and a future and I need this transition to “make me.”
A friend mentioned to me recently : “Well it must feel good to know your assignment in Tulsa is over.” I laughed, because she would think of it that way. And inasmuch as I agree that the assignment was over; my reservation about future occupation being so unknown scared me to death. I’ve been journaling this time in my life to make sense of the changes. The blessings are unimaginable . I mean I get to see my parents every day, be around family and watch grand nieces & nephews grow up , and I get to pursue my dreams in the city where I was born and give back to the community. Nothing like giving back to where you came from. And it feels surreal, becaus
e it’s also at the hospital – my job is located – where I was born . Same hospital . Almost 52 years ago. As I think about all the mothers and children I’m about to help, I can’t help but wonder if this is my destiny . I think about where my mother was back in October of 1967, when she had me, and how stable her life was and whether she needed the type of program I’m about to work in and be a part of – helping stabilize women with mental health needs. I can see Full Circle happening , I define this moment as the time when you return to a former state that you were in before; yet all things become new again , in you.
Is it a do-over? Are you doing something over because it was done wrong before? Or are you returning to the old to do new works?
I choose to believe the latter.
So interesting how right before I left Tulsa, I spoke to a small group of women about going Full Circle; “ the one thing you must remember is you’ll never know how fulfilling that moment can be, unless you take the leap.”, ( I passionately said to them) . And yet, I myself was embracing the concept , in that moment. I didn’t know I was speaking to myself.
Oh well…😚 I guess it’s that time.