HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)

March 21, 2019

Hope.
It’s so obscure sometimes. Like … how do you stay hopeful?

Is it Friends that help you to remain hopeful?
Is there a routine that’s involved?
Is there something elusive about hope?
Does a lack of it, make us cry?
Make us sad? Is it reachable?
How do you know when you fully have it?
Does a lack of hope make us afraid?
Does a lack of hope make us feel insecure? Feel alone?
I can say yes to about all of these.

Just recently , I came through a dark period. I was barely hanging in there. I believe I always knew I would come out of it, but it was really hard to stay focused on coming out when my days were so low.
I managed to get through it , but wow.. some days were really tough.

There were many nights of deep breathing for me, yoga, quiet time, talking to my husband and asking for prayer from friends. I also had many nights of tea and on beautiful days outside…. I would sit in the sun. I even found comfort in my journal a few of those days or simply took a long nap. I had to magnify my self-care and pray quite a bit, because prayer is what helps me to take notice to my spirit and be honest with myself about where I am.
To be honest, I wasn’t thinking God was too close.

Continue reading “HOPE. ( Darkness Has a Time Limit)”

On Being Emotionally Safe.

So about a week ago I was sitting with a group of people and we were discussing a few challenges with conflict; and being and living emotionally safe .

I didn’t realize I that emotionally, I had been holding onto some stuff due to an illness I was having and it made me feel completely vulnerable and as a result, I didn’t trust well. Even myself , and my own thoughts.

I realized I had been having quite a bit of a lack of emotional safety and how I tended to think and reason was skewed. Ever felt that way? Like being ill made you feel even worse than you felt before you became sick?

You see, when I was a little girl I would be challenged around my thinking and sometimes influenced to doubt myself. I would be literally mocked for crying and feeling vulnerable or sad.

As an adult , I had unintentionally learned and operated in this mode of thinking and held on firmly to the belief that is i shared, the same would occur. This was my self – doubt. “No one takes me seriously, ” I would tell myself . And because I had this thinking; I wouldn’t take myself too seriously, either.

I became insecure emotionally ; and was often challenged with this thought so much it became a self -fulfilling prophecy.

It had become a personal infection, filled with self-condemnation. It was a thought that had me trapped in self-protection mode; and I was on the defense.

As I sat around the table with mentors, and came to this awareness about myself, I realized that I needed to be honest about this insecurity and then take back that untruth; and replace it with what was really true about me. What was true, was that an eight year old little girl had become very confused about feeling vulnerable; and today, this truth didn’t serve her.
There was no wisdom and no strength in being and feeling this way. It made her think she was weak and vulnerable and insignificant . Instead of being taken seriously ; when in truth, she was convincing herself that no one really believed in her from the start.

I had to remind myself that the truth was I felt emotionally unsafe and vulnerable because this was a “trigger” in my life that once felt unfamiliar , insensitive and unsteady. And it also reminded me that because I ” felt unprotected “, I therefore was unprotected because that’s what I believed.

Yet this was not true.

A week later , I was in the exact same position. I believed I was emotionally unsafe and therefore I was. I didn’t talk to myself any differently, and I didn’t do anything about it.

But then I began to self-evaluate. I had to ask myself:

Why was I feeling this way again?

What was coming up for me ?

Why was feeling insecure ?

I suddenly realized this pattern had been affecting me in several areas of my life and instead of dealing with the frustration of how I felt, I would emotionally hide myself ; lose my voice – and I would “bail ” and leave the situation that introduced the emotional conflict, before it got much worse.

I was “emotionally stuck.” And the same record kept playing. I didn’t know how to drop this negative behavior. My mentors around this table helped me realize I needed to tell myself this was an untruth when I felt this was or I’d keep reacting, vs. responding.

I was undone.

So… I began to then reason differently. There were tools that helped me release my emotions and think more clearly- like reading , writers no and dumping what was in my head , listening to thinking music, clearing out my head with untruths – and meditation and prayer, and a recognition that I was worthy of everything good and positive- around me and i was safe.

I was done unraveling; I would say a prayer of affirmation of release to release the negative; and stay with the truth; letting it resound as my filter.

When I used the tools, I provided myself a remedy. And as I sought remedy, I began to heal. With consistent acknowledgement and addressing the fact that (I was my own distraction ); and disrupting what could be a “good thinking process”; I began to release the inner conflict in my life. I began to reach for truths that invited inner resolve and peace. This involved some deep, intentional, introspection.

Slowly I became more aware of this challenge; and addressed the instability of emotional vulnerability. I began to serve myself truths; and let go of my emotional hurt patterns from when I was 8 years old.

I am free. I am still noticing this pattern comes up in not so strong moments -and it may take a few more missteps before I am fully aware.

Nonetheless, I am moving forward. Now I am self-correcting my ” stinking thinking.” Where I used to run away from conflict, now I challenge myself and run to it and take care of it.

Selah.

Hey, Give Thanks!

Yesterday these guys serenaded is in the park. It was quite pleasant to be around them and outside on a sunny, ( almost spring ) day.

I had not been feeling very well and this was delight and something to be quite grateful for. They say at the end of every day of you find something to be grateful for, you boost your sense of personal pride and thankfulness.

I would have to say I agree. Once, I spent time writing down three things to be grateful for over the course of six months. What could have been one of the most depressing times of my life then became a time to cherish due to the excitement I had of looking forward to new possibilities.

I encourage you to do the same. Maybe having a little thankfulness will allow you to see colors more clearly; smell the air a bit differently, and receive others more fully.

A certain expectancy of positive energy allows the door to be open for more joy, peace and satisfaction. Welcome it.

Be that positivity, today!

A Psalm For Refuge

I wrote a psalm .

My first psalm ever.

I thought psalm writers had all died and gone to heaven. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I never knew I could be one of them. Psalmists don’t usually know they’re psalmists until they lamented and sorrowed about something mighty weighty.

This was me after we lost our mother in law , father in law and I’d gone through various transitions with life and work.

A Psalm unto My Lord

I love the Lord because He heard my heart.

God listens to my heart like none other.

He loves me because He made me before the foundations of the earth.

Before I even existed, God ordained me to be a Healer.

I am His confidant, marked by His presence and His purpose. When life becomes unmanageable for me,

Oh God, you bring me into a very still place and say: Listen.”

In the hearkening of my ears Lord, You allow me to find peace. You wanted me to understand that

In Stillness,

In Your Rest.

In Your Purpose.

In Your Love.

In Your steadfast love – that reaches far beyond the Sun, the Moon, and Galaxies, and Stars.

Be very near And in Your nearness I shall have

Direction, Purpose, & Strength.

When my friends mocked me and thought I was disillusioned they said:

“What are you doing with your life? You seem confused!”

Even the silent mocking – I still heard them, Lord.

When I wandered…seemingly purposeless and without direction, they said:

“Where is God in that?”

Even the ones closest to me questioned my ability to understand You, Oh God

Yet You held me close.

Speak Your love over me in waves

Waves that allow me to love You with quiet and soft music – rocking me to sleep.

Rein me into the silence of Your love,

To love You with Sabbath simplicity, listening for what is dear in Your heart;

Not mine.

Searching for You in the silence and resting in You, with my whole heart.

I love You, Lord. It’s because of You I have a new sense of direction.

I have a befitting and determined course.

Because of You, my heart sings praises for a new occupation That has set me in the land of opportunity.

One without limitation, that speaks from praise and purpose; Healing and leadership and longing.

I thank You.

Selah.

My conclusion is this:

Although there will be times in your life when you don’t quite understand Your God,

Remain grateful to Him.

Remain in a state of peace and contemplation on what He said last.

Remain Hidden in that word He gave you,

And write it on your heart of remembrance

And on the walls of your living space, so it is easily read.

Trust that God has given you a vision and adhere – because the vision defines your future.

Celebrate in the quietness of God’s love.

Rest Assured He will answer in the end.

The Lord loves a faithful contemplator of His word.

Selah.

I love writing love letters unto God. They help me focus and remain sustained. They give me clarity and help me to stay on task.

It’s my hope this psalm I wrote shall encourage you as well.