I am.

I’m Imperfect.

And it’s ok.  Took me  a  while to  realize  this ,  though.  I am a perfectionist.  Not  sure where that began, but  it  has something to  do with major  anxiety.  (Yeah,  that’s me.) Sometimes.

I  just  recently  took an  exam, and  I didn’t pass.     I didn’t pass  by  five points. I didn’t  realize my  anxiety was  so bad.   I won’t  bore you with all the details, but  I was messed up…  and   I  have to  do something  about my test  anxiety. 

On the other hand,    dealing with imperfection  can  have  its  advantages.

How can  imperfection benefit you?

Is it a blessing, or a curse?

Maybe it’s neither.

Well… here’s how it works for me, and you be the judge.

Benefits of Imperfection:

1.It can help you dream to more.

2. It makes you stronger and  push harder.

3. It causes us to be more creative if we push past the frustration.

4. Once accepted, it causes  us to acquiesce.(Yield without protest.)

5. It helps us lastly, to recognize our greatest potential.

6.  It  can  help you to address a problem when it’s  time to  do so.

I find confession to be cleansing sometimes.

Confession is a spiritual act that sometimes leads us towards self-forgiveness,  and a place of awareness . Because sometimes need to place our  stake right there, and handle the hard things in life, because they make us better. In order that we can   grow and breakthrough the hard  issues  in life and become unstuck.

But even before the self-forgiveness and the confession, there often is repentance. Knowing we  have done  wrong and  confessing it is one  thing, but asking God to correct it, because we need a  new way, is  another.  Sometimes people call this the first step in recovery.  Or  the  second… To release things to our Higher Power, to recognize I am not in control, to know even if I tried to be in control,  I couldn’t be.

Sometimes that lack of knowledge traps us up. We don’t even know we are there sometimes; and we’re struggling Ike a fish out of water, and can’t get back in and breathe well… And so we stuggle and fight, and fight some more.. And we almost drown. And then, it’s like: “Oh yes, I need God to unravel this one, because I am trying to do it all by myself.”

I wind up here pretty regularly.

I used to think it was a weakness, but now I know that usually it’s God calling me  to a higher place.

So I have a confession to make: I am a writer, and I haven’t felt like writing much in the last three months or so. I also find that I am not as consistent as I’d like to be. There are times when my head and thoughts are so jumbled, I can’t even think straight. I have a fear of passing a test that I know will.make me successful. I fear successful opportunities. This is what’s here, right now, in this space called ‘life’.

I know it makes sense not to even dwell on these kinds of things, but I do. I guess that makes me imperfect. Am I ok with that?

No, I’m not.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have  to fulfill a call towards things that are so freaken hard to do in my life. (That’s another confession.) I mran, they demand my attention and “the call ” can be i like babies that scream all the time… You don’t find them great company. On the other hand , when you nurture that baby, and she coos and laughs at you and cuddles with you…your smitten. Andit’s the best place to be. Like ever.

I love people and I love motivating them. I also love the adrenalin rush I get from a good read of something I wrote. I love seeing my work in print and hearing others say: “This is just what I needed today, thank you.” I love encouraging people, teaching them, and giving and sharing insight.

I also love working on teams. Teams of people with like once and like purpose. People who were once where I was; but now I can  get them to” be more, do more see more..” So… even though I get overwhelmed , stagnant and discouraged, somefimes, I still tend to seek out the good. I maintain that I will keep going. Despite myself. I mean what would my life be like without purpose, right?

There are times it has been hard to press in and I had no motivation whatsoever. It’s then, that I would “press in” by having someone pray for my frailty and my vulnerable state, but first I would confession to them and let them know where I was and what my stuggle was. If you don’t have a friend or confidant like this, hen you should press in to get one. Its here, when I press in, I find solace,and feel as if I can make it to the other side.Sometimea I have to press in to the place that makes me happy, despite myself. Why stop reaching for the stars? Eventually I’ll catch one.

Imperfection is a place of humility. A place of waiting and waiting of being humble enough to say: ” I need help.” “Please help me.” And that’s ok.

It’s not a place of weakness or fault or failure. It’s really okay to be here, but we must be first honest with ourselves so we can regain momentum.

 And then we begin to soar again.

I think I just described what it’s like to surrender.

Selah.