I Am Enough, Because I Am Imperfect.

I am.
I’m Imperfect.
And it’s ok. ¬†Took me ¬†a ¬†while to ¬†realize ¬†this , ¬†though. ¬†I am a perfectionist. ¬†Not ¬†sure where that began, but ¬†it ¬†has something to ¬†do with major ¬†anxiety. ¬†(Yeah, ¬†that’s me.) Sometimes.
I ¬†just ¬†recently ¬†took an ¬†exam, and ¬†I didn’t pass. ¬† ¬† I didn’t pass ¬†by ¬†five points. I didn’t ¬†realize my ¬†anxiety was ¬†so bad. ¬† I won’t ¬†bore you with all the details, but ¬†I was messed up… ¬†and ¬† I ¬†have to ¬†do something ¬†about my test ¬†anxiety.¬†
On the other hand,    dealing with imperfection  can  have  its  advantages.
How can  imperfection benefit you?
Is it a blessing, or a curse?
Maybe it’s neither.
Well… here’s how it works for me, and you be the judge.
aaron-burden-355053
photo by Aaron Burden
Benefits of Imperfection:
1.It can help you dream to more.
2. It makes you stronger and  push harder.
3. It causes us to be more creative if we push past the frustration.
4. Once accepted, it causes  us to acquiesce.(Yield without protest.)
5. It helps us lastly, to recognize our greatest potential.
6. ¬†It ¬†can ¬†help you to address a problem when it’s ¬†time to ¬†do so.
I find confession to be cleansing sometimes.
Confession is a spiritual act that sometimes leads us towards self-forgiveness,  and a place of awareness . Because sometimes need to place our  stake right there, and handle the hard things in life, because they make us better. In order that we can   grow and breakthrough the hard  issues  in life and become unstuck.
But even before the self-forgiveness and the confession, there often is repentance. Knowing we ¬†have done ¬†wrong and ¬†confessing it is one ¬†thing, but asking God to correct it, because we need a ¬†new way, is ¬†another. ¬†Sometimes people call this the first step in recovery. ¬†Or ¬†the ¬†second… To release things to our Higher Power, to recognize I am not in control, to know even if I tried to be in control, ¬†I couldn’t be.
Sometimes that lack of knowledge traps us up. We don’t even know we are there sometimes; and we’re struggling Ike a fish out of water, and can’t get back in and breathe well… And so we stuggle and fight, and fight some more.. And we almost drown. And then, it’s like: “Oh yes, I need God to unravel this one, because I am trying to do it all by myself.”
I wind up here pretty regularly.
I used to think it was a weakness, but now I know that usually it’s God calling me ¬†to a higher place.
So I have a confession to make: I am a writer, and I haven‚Äôt felt like writing much in the last three months or so. I also find that I am not as consistent as I’d like to be. There are times when my head and thoughts are so jumbled, I can‚Äôt even think straight. I have a fear of passing a test that I know will.make me successful. I fear successful opportunities. This is what‚Äôs here, right now, in this space called ‘life’.
I know it makes sense not to even dwell on these kinds of things, but I do. I guess that makes me imperfect. Am I ok with that?
No, I’m not.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have ¬†to fulfill a call towards things that are so freaken hard to do in my life. (That‚Äôs another confession.) I mran, they demand my attention and “the call ” can be i like babies that scream all the time‚Ķ You don‚Äôt find them great company. On the other hand , when you nurture that baby, and she coos and laughs at you and cuddles with you…your smitten. Andit’s the best place to be. Like ever.
I love people and I love motivating them. I also love the adrenalin rush I get from a good read of something I wrote. I love seeing my work in print and hearing others say: ‚ÄúThis is just what I needed today, thank you.‚ÄĚ I love encouraging people, teaching them, and giving and sharing insight.
I also love working on teams. Teams of people with like once and like purpose. People who were once where I was; but now I can ¬†get them to‚ÄĚ be more, do more see more..‚ÄĚ So‚Ķ even though I get overwhelmed , stagnant and discouraged, somefimes, I still tend to seek out the good. I maintain that I will keep going. Despite myself. I mean what would my life be like without purpose, right?
There are times it has been hard to press in and I had no motivation whatsoever. It’s then, that I would ‚Äúpress in‚ÄĚ by having someone pray for my frailty and my vulnerable state, but first I would confession to them and let them know where I was and what my stuggle was. If you don’t have a friend or confidant like this, hen you should press in to get one. Its here, when I press in, I find solace,and feel as if I can make it to the other side.Sometimea I have to press in to the place that makes me happy, despite myself. Why stop reaching for the stars? Eventually I‚Äôll catch one.
Imperfection is a place of humility. A place of waiting and waiting of being humble enough to say: ” I need help.” “Please help me.” And that’s ok.
It’s not a place of weakness or fault or failure. It’s really okay to be here, but we must be first honest with ourselves so we can regain momentum.
 And then we begin to soar again.
I think I just described what it’s like to surrender.
Selah.

Day 3: The Blessing of (Spiritual) Maturity. #50DaystoFifty

Ahhh…. The blessing of Maturity!

Feels good, right? Ha! (Yeah right.)

So, today I ¬†am¬† writing today about¬† maturity. ¬†Well… ¬†when you really look at¬† it, maturity is¬† necessary,. We¬† don‚Äôt get any¬† younger, and with every¬† turn of¬†¬† a¬† lesson learned, we need to gather the information ¬†and use it, for some good, right?¬†

Well…  I  have  learned a lot in my  50 years.   I won’t   bore you  with details  , but  I will say this:  The  ONLY  GOOD  that comes out of  life and being happy, is  knowing   God.  He  just seems to work things together for good.  I will tell you about something small,  and  then, something really  big.

‚ÄúTHE¬† SMALL _ BIG¬† THING‚Ķ‚ÄĚ

¬†So , the small thing is‚Ķ¬† I¬† guess it could be small to you, but to me, it‚Äôs¬† kind of ¬†“small-BIG,” ¬†because it had¬† everything¬† to do with my mobility.¬† Just one month ago, I could barely walk.¬† I had to have my husband come and¬†¬† pick me up from work, and I could barely wslk. I was devastated.¬† I¬†¬† had to go to emergency, and¬†¬† came out of emergency , with crutches,¬† and I ¬†took most of the rest of the week off, until I¬† could limp a little.¬† I¬† literally didn‚Äôt ¬†know what to do.¬† I went to the doctor‚Äôs and they¬† really could not¬† say much about what was going on with me.¬† They just seemed to¬†¬† say, ‚ÄúNO, its not that,¬† and¬† No, its not this.‚ÄĚ ¬†¬†So they ruled out practically everything, which left us to¬† the fact that it must just need to take time to heal, and¬† maybe a little re-habbing will work.¬†¬† So that‚Äôs¬† what we did.¬†¬† Now, I didn‚Äôt ¬†want to listen to my husband.¬†¬† He¬† seemed to¬†¬† know I needed the re-habbing, but¬† I didn‚Äôt.¬† I was just¬† really , really¬† put off.¬† I spent the beginning of my summer¬† just¬† really¬† out of it, because I¬† didn‚Äôt want to¬† be in the house,¬† stuck, and¬†¬† miserable. ¬†

And so…As a mildly acquiescing 50-year old would do, I found other ways to adjust.¬† I would sit on my patio, and¬† read.¬† And ¬†wrote a bit, too.¬† I finally¬† started¬† trying to hear from God what was going on, and I¬†¬† got so much peace inside that all would be well,¬† I ended up just¬† handing it over Him. ¬†I even formed a prayer group in order to see why I had all this immobilization, cause there was SO Much TO DO!! ¬†And before you know it, ‚Ķ I was¬† healing.¬†¬† I still have a slight limp, but I don‚Äôt need my crutches no more.

¬†THIS IS¬† HUGE,¬† guys‚Ķ because ¬†¬†I found out¬† so much meaning was in the¬† fact God was doing spiritual¬† work inside of me,¬† as well.¬† Not ¬†just on the outside.¬†¬† And I needed¬† to really take heed.¬†¬† I am better today , and¬† definitely more¬† mature,¬† because of it.¬†¬† I¬† am accepting of things I cannot¬† change¬†¬† And I am¬† willing to¬† seek God¬† in even the most¬† mundane and¬†¬†¬† what ‚Äúappear to be‚ÄĚ ¬†not so significant¬† things. But even more than that God used my ailment to produce a wonder.

What do‚Äč I mean by that? Well here’s the thought.. Yesterday I listened to Beth Moore speak about following and heeding God. She said: “You can’t have the wonders with out the wounds and the wounds without the wonders!”IMG_20170621_145901883-01.jpeg

 So true. Wonders come when we are willing to allow our wounds  to show.

The ¬†really ¬†big ¬†“mature” ¬†deal ¬†for me, was that my ¬† life began to increase in knowledge and understanding when I allowed my wounds to be transparent.

God   produces miracles  if you  really expect them.

Most of you know my  S, Africa    trip was  a HUGE miracle in my life , that  I believe will continue,  but  I also believe   will go  down as  the miracles of  all miracles.  If you haven’t read about it,   read here,  and weep.

¬†But¬†¬† I¬† think¬† just being able to go to¬† South Africa showed me how intimately God wanted to connect with me ¬†about¬† life and¬† things¬† coming to pass in my life.¬†¬† Yet there is¬†¬† complete¬† ‚Äúspiritual maturity that happens, when we¬† decide to¬† say¬† YES ‚Äď to anything God does!

¬† I¬† recently have had¬† some¬† hardship with¬†¬† doing something that God asked me to do.¬† It had to do with becoming¬† a¬† counselor for¬†¬† those who¬† struggle with addictions. ¬† For one main reason…Now, if you know my past,¬†¬† this is¬† A HUGE MIRACLE,¬†¬† because ¬†God chose ME‚Ķ this once little ¬† scary,¬† quiet , ¬† anxiety-ridden ¬†child, (now woman… ) who ¬†wanted to disappear into thin air because her¬† father was an alcoholic, and ¬†once was entirely embarrassed by how he lived his life…Yet today, God blessed him to have almost 40 years in recovery! ¬†Yep, that was my family, and that was me.

 But today,  some   forty- something  years later,…God wants  me to now  COUNSEL   those same people  who struggle  with the same kind of addictions.. to counsel their families,   their  children,  the  alcoholics , drug addicts and  addictive folk  who come from these homes, and  help them HEAL.  Now if that ain’t a miracle,  then … WHAT!!??

¬† Amen. ¬† So that’s all folks…

¬†no more to say – my biggest miracles… they they ¬†go! ¬†¬†

Selah.

 

Day 2. #50DaysToFifty – Fifty… Is More Insistent.

When something is persistent, or insistent, it is demands¬†¬†attention.¬† It sort of¬† puts it out there, and then it either happens, or we move on.¬† If it’s meant to be, it¬† lasts, and if not, then we¬† don’t begin¬†¬† again… we move on.¬†¬† We don’t¬† have time for all that.

¬†Fifty¬† sort of teaches you that¬†. If you are where you are,¬† you are supposed to be there.¬†¬† And if¬† you¬† can’t hang,¬† then¬†¬† you need to try¬† something¬† else.¬† Yet if you have¬† “sticktu-tiveness”…, you HANG….¬† You manage it.¬† And you DEAL.¬† It’s one of those¬† “grown¬† folks”¬† adages.¬† Now,¬† considering all with common¬† sense, you¬†¬† don’t¬† stay in something that¬†¬† HARMS YOU.¬†¬†¬†Or¬† abuses¬† you.¬† Or¬† robs you of your¬† dignity.¬†¬† YOU STAY WHEN it helps you to GROW.¬† You endure.¬† You knock it out¬†¬†¬† And you¬† BRING IT.

Because sometimes the things¬† that¬† GROW us.¬† MAKE US. Guess I’ve finally decided in my life I want to just keep getting better and better. So I have to put in the work.

When you meant¬† to say something, you say it.¬† When you mean to¬† do it, you¬† do it. You¬†¬† don’t¬† hold back, you¬†¬† are emphatic.¬† That means¬† as¬† the¬† free¬† dictionary states: “you stand out in a striking (ly)¬† and¬†¬† clearly defined way.”

It appears for me, at least¬† when you get to¬† fifty you have that understanding.¬† You know, the one¬† that¬† really just says:¬†¬† “What will be, shall be.”¬† Yet¬† you know you can’t¬† fool around. You have to come¬† full force.¬† You¬† have to¬† come¬† completely, adeptly, and you cannot¬† “half- ass it.”¬†¬†*( Yeah,¬† I said that…)¬† You¬† know that really isn’t¬† a curse word, its just¬† a¬† form of being.¬† I know someone in my life who¬† told me¬† a long time¬† ago –¬† ( name forbidden….) ¬† that¬† I “half- assed” it –¬† all the¬† time. I don’t know tha I necessarily agreed but I could have done better. For sure. ¬†I think¬†¬† “fifty ” simply¬† gives you full knowledge if you¬† have¬† come to that place and you¬†¬† realize¬† WHEN need to do more.¬†¬† You also realize¬† when OTHERS need to do more.

Should you always¬† tell them?¬†(a resounding, ¬†&¬† emphatic….) ¬†No!

Why?¬† Because its not always your job to tell them.¬†¬† Sometimes telling them could damage the¬† relationship.¬† That’ s where¬† wisdom¬† comes in.¬†¬† And discretion.¬†¬† Discretion involves planning and¬†¬† being¬† discreet. It means you have made some¬† similar¬† mistakes in the past, and paid for them.¬† And you decided¬† to¬† turn from that way, and¬† try¬† something NEW.

There was a time in my life  I  thought I really knew someone had taken something from me. It was a  teenager.  And  I practically  knew it could have been no one BUT her. (  I had  even devised a  scenario in my mind, where I confronted her, and  she   would give in and admit  she did it!)  I  even  walked out  that scenario. Only to come to  the end of that  vision, and  find out I was absolutely WRONG.  I  was not  wrong  when I confronted her , either.   I  was  wrong  AFTER  I confronted her,  went back home, and  then  found what I thought was stolen.   My  pride got in the  way.

I¬† thought I¬† just knew¬† everything, back then.¬† And I walked it out because I just “knew”¬† I was right.¬† But boy, was I wrong.

Yes , indeed.  2d278918544e4c25a95045bf2c4cd158-1

 

Taught me a lesson in  living.

And taught me I was not God,, so I  would never be completely  right,  even when I  thought I was.  Selah.

My head  was SO, SO  Big,  back then.   But I learned my lesson.  Sometimes life is  about lessons .  Not knowing it all.

Hmmm….

My¬† fifty years sometimes¬† takes me back to that moment , and I realize that I have to give everyone¬† the benefit of the doubt, because¬† sometimes there’s so much more to know.

 

¬†Hang out with me¬† as I share wisdom¬† for the¬†¬† days…¬† I am¬† counting¬† down to¬† my¬† Fifty days of¬†¬† Fifty¬† years old by writing¬†¬† about¬†¬† how¬† I know I have arrived.¬† Join me at¬† #50DaysToFifty¬† hashtag on Instagram or¬†¬† Facebook.

 

 

Day 1 : Fifty. #50DaysToFifty

So I have been taking a series of photo shots¬† and¬†microblogging as it ¬†¬†relates ¬†to¬† ne¬† turning fifty,¬† this year.¬† Then I realized the photos¬†¬† alone, were not¬† enough.¬† Yes, they speak, but there’s so much more to say.

Some¬† of those¬† photos are pretty spectac… and¬†¬† the others¬†..well, they¬†are just me, ¬†being me.¬† I like the¬† feel of almost being fifty. It’s been rather contemplative, reflective and solemn.

It means I can¬† sit on my porch at ¬†‘dark thirty’ ¬†and just sit outside and be me.

I like the ¬†freedom involved ¬†at¬†¬† 50 to of myself. I’ve heard several say at fifty, ‘ you just become more relaxed and less matters.’ I find myself at fifty – yes, being more relaxed but also feeling more mature. In mind, body and spirit. The best way to describe it is just feeling as if I take time for internal rest.

I am beginning to think I know¬† what it means to be myself, too. To feel comfortable in my own skin. Over the years I’ve struggled with relationships – mostly friendships, being that I’ve moved so much in my adult life. I’ve had awesome friends but then had to leave them, as I aspired for ventures that offered me a better career and ¬†more time being closer to family. There’s been a lot of sacrifice. All for great reasons. However, at fifty, there’s a retreating to “what’s right”, to and‚Äč ¬†for the soul.

I feel more luxurious, at fifty. It means ¬†at fifty, I can just ¬† sip some tea on a¬† nice evening¬† on the patio¬† in the¬† am, because it feels so good to¬†just have fresh¬† air and tea ‘ mixed together.’

Or it may mean I get to   take an extra  nap on a  quiet, wet and rainy morning or afternoon .

Sometimes it means ¬†I¬† get to listen to my¬† thoughts, in absolute silence‚Äč.

And laugh as I ponder over my favorite  photos of my  nieces and nephews.

As I allow them to simmer,  and  I can just meditate on  being grateful.

Thoughtless,¬†¬†musings ¬†…grateful ponderings, ¬†simmerings of¬† tea and a good spirit of¬† nothingness… ¬†yea¬† that’s¬†¬†what it means to be¬† 50.

 

Hashtag me on Instagram to read more as  I  microblog about #50daystofifty

Thanks for reading! If you can relate or liked something you’ve read, leave a comment and let me know you’re out ¬†there.