I Am Enough, Because I Am Imperfect.

I am.
I’m Imperfect.
And it’s ok.  Took me  a  while to  realize  this ,  though.  I am a perfectionist.  Not  sure where that began, but  it  has something to  do with major  anxiety.  (Yeah,  that’s me.) Sometimes.
I  just  recently  took an  exam, and  I didn’t pass.     I didn’t pass  by  five points. I didn’t  realize my  anxiety was  so bad.   I won’t  bore you with all the details, but  I was messed up…  and   I  have to  do something  about my test  anxiety. 
On the other hand,    dealing with imperfection  can  have  its  advantages.
How can  imperfection benefit you?
Is it a blessing, or a curse?
Maybe it’s neither.
Well… here’s how it works for me, and you be the judge.
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photo by Aaron Burden
Benefits of Imperfection:
1.It can help you dream to more.
2. It makes you stronger and  push harder.
3. It causes us to be more creative if we push past the frustration.
4. Once accepted, it causes  us to acquiesce.(Yield without protest.)
5. It helps us lastly, to recognize our greatest potential.
6.  It  can  help you to address a problem when it’s  time to  do so.
I find confession to be cleansing sometimes.
Confession is a spiritual act that sometimes leads us towards self-forgiveness,  and a place of awareness . Because sometimes need to place our  stake right there, and handle the hard things in life, because they make us better. In order that we can   grow and breakthrough the hard  issues  in life and become unstuck.
But even before the self-forgiveness and the confession, there often is repentance. Knowing we  have done  wrong and  confessing it is one  thing, but asking God to correct it, because we need a  new way, is  another.  Sometimes people call this the first step in recovery.  Or  the  second… To release things to our Higher Power, to recognize I am not in control, to know even if I tried to be in control,  I couldn’t be.
Sometimes that lack of knowledge traps us up. We don’t even know we are there sometimes; and we’re struggling Ike a fish out of water, and can’t get back in and breathe well… And so we stuggle and fight, and fight some more.. And we almost drown. And then, it’s like: “Oh yes, I need God to unravel this one, because I am trying to do it all by myself.”
I wind up here pretty regularly.
I used to think it was a weakness, but now I know that usually it’s God calling me  to a higher place.
So I have a confession to make: I am a writer, and I haven’t felt like writing much in the last three months or so. I also find that I am not as consistent as I’d like to be. There are times when my head and thoughts are so jumbled, I can’t even think straight. I have a fear of passing a test that I know will.make me successful. I fear successful opportunities. This is what’s here, right now, in this space called ‘life’.
I know it makes sense not to even dwell on these kinds of things, but I do. I guess that makes me imperfect. Am I ok with that?
No, I’m not.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have  to fulfill a call towards things that are so freaken hard to do in my life. (That’s another confession.) I mran, they demand my attention and “the call ” can be i like babies that scream all the time… You don’t find them great company. On the other hand , when you nurture that baby, and she coos and laughs at you and cuddles with you…your smitten. Andit’s the best place to be. Like ever.
I love people and I love motivating them. I also love the adrenalin rush I get from a good read of something I wrote. I love seeing my work in print and hearing others say: “This is just what I needed today, thank you.” I love encouraging people, teaching them, and giving and sharing insight.
I also love working on teams. Teams of people with like once and like purpose. People who were once where I was; but now I can  get them to” be more, do more see more..” So… even though I get overwhelmed , stagnant and discouraged, somefimes, I still tend to seek out the good. I maintain that I will keep going. Despite myself. I mean what would my life be like without purpose, right?
There are times it has been hard to press in and I had no motivation whatsoever. It’s then, that I would “press in” by having someone pray for my frailty and my vulnerable state, but first I would confession to them and let them know where I was and what my stuggle was. If you don’t have a friend or confidant like this, hen you should press in to get one. Its here, when I press in, I find solace,and feel as if I can make it to the other side.Sometimea I have to press in to the place that makes me happy, despite myself. Why stop reaching for the stars? Eventually I’ll catch one.
Imperfection is a place of humility. A place of waiting and waiting of being humble enough to say: ” I need help.” “Please help me.” And that’s ok.
It’s not a place of weakness or fault or failure. It’s really okay to be here, but we must be first honest with ourselves so we can regain momentum.
 And then we begin to soar again.
I think I just described what it’s like to surrender.
Selah.

Day 3: The Blessing of (Spiritual) Maturity. #50DaystoFifty

Ahhh…. The blessing of Maturity!

Feels good, right? Ha! (Yeah right.)

So, today I  am  writing today about  maturity.  Well…  when you really look at  it, maturity is  necessary,. We  don’t get any  younger, and with every  turn of   a  lesson learned, we need to gather the information  and use it, for some good, right? 

Well…  I  have  learned a lot in my  50 years.   I won’t   bore you  with details  , but  I will say this:  The  ONLY  GOOD  that comes out of  life and being happy, is  knowing   God.  He  just seems to work things together for good.  I will tell you about something small,  and  then, something really  big.

“THE  SMALL _ BIG  THING…”

 So , the small thing is…  I  guess it could be small to you, but to me, it’s  kind of  “small-BIG,”  because it had  everything  to do with my mobility.  Just one month ago, I could barely walk.  I had to have my husband come and   pick me up from work, and I could barely wslk. I was devastated.  I   had to go to emergency, and   came out of emergency , with crutches,  and I  took most of the rest of the week off, until I  could limp a little.  I  literally didn’t  know what to do.  I went to the doctor’s and they  really could not  say much about what was going on with me.  They just seemed to   say, “NO, its not that,  and  No, its not this.”   So they ruled out practically everything, which left us to  the fact that it must just need to take time to heal, and  maybe a little re-habbing will work.   So that’s  what we did.   Now, I didn’t  want to listen to my husband.   He  seemed to   know I needed the re-habbing, but  I didn’t.  I was just  really , really  put off.  I spent the beginning of my summer  just  really  out of it, because I  didn’t want to  be in the house,  stuck, and   miserable.  

And so…As a mildly acquiescing 50-year old would do, I found other ways to adjust.  I would sit on my patio, and  read.  And  wrote a bit, too.  I finally  started  trying to hear from God what was going on, and I   got so much peace inside that all would be well,  I ended up just  handing it over Him.  I even formed a prayer group in order to see why I had all this immobilization, cause there was SO Much TO DO!!  And before you know it, … I was  healing.   I still have a slight limp, but I don’t need my crutches no more.

 THIS IS  HUGE,  guys… because   I found out  so much meaning was in the  fact God was doing spiritual  work inside of me,  as well.  Not  just on the outside.   And I needed  to really take heed.   I am better today , and  definitely more  mature,  because of it.   I  am accepting of things I cannot  change   And I am  willing to  seek God  in even the most  mundane and    what “appear to be”  not so significant  things. But even more than that God used my ailment to produce a wonder.

What do​ I mean by that? Well here’s the thought.. Yesterday I listened to Beth Moore speak about following and heeding God. She said: “You can’t have the wonders with out the wounds and the wounds without the wonders!”IMG_20170621_145901883-01.jpeg

 So true. Wonders come when we are willing to allow our wounds  to show.

The  really  big  “mature”  deal  for me, was that my   life began to increase in knowledge and understanding when I allowed my wounds to be transparent.

God   produces miracles  if you  really expect them.

Most of you know my  S, Africa    trip was  a HUGE miracle in my life , that  I believe will continue,  but  I also believe   will go  down as  the miracles of  all miracles.  If you haven’t read about it,   read here,  and weep.

 But   I  think  just being able to go to  South Africa showed me how intimately God wanted to connect with me  about  life and  things  coming to pass in my life.   Yet there is   complete  “spiritual maturity that happens, when we  decide to  say  YES – to anything God does!

  I  recently have had  some  hardship with   doing something that God asked me to do.  It had to do with becoming  a  counselor for   those who  struggle with addictions.   For one main reason…Now, if you know my past,   this is  A HUGE MIRACLE,   because  God chose ME… this once little   scary,  quiet ,   anxiety-ridden  child, (now woman… ) who  wanted to disappear into thin air because her  father was an alcoholic, and  once was entirely embarrassed by how he lived his life…Yet today, God blessed him to have almost 40 years in recovery!  Yep, that was my family, and that was me.

 But today,  some   forty- something  years later,…God wants  me to now  COUNSEL   those same people  who struggle  with the same kind of addictions.. to counsel their families,   their  children,  the  alcoholics , drug addicts and  addictive folk  who come from these homes, and  help them HEAL.  Now if that ain’t a miracle,  then … WHAT!!??

  Amen.   So that’s all folks…

 no more to say – my biggest miracles… they they  go!   

Selah.

 

Day 2. #50DaysToFifty – Fifty… Is More Insistent.

When something is persistent, or insistent, it is demands  attention.  It sort of  puts it out there, and then it either happens, or we move on.  If it’s meant to be, it  lasts, and if not, then we  don’t begin   again… we move on.   We don’t  have time for all that.

 Fifty  sort of teaches you that . If you are where you are,  you are supposed to be there.   And if  you  can’t hang,  then   you need to try  something  else.  Yet if you have  “sticktu-tiveness”…, you HANG….  You manage it.  And you DEAL.  It’s one of those  “grown  folks”  adages.  Now,  considering all with common  sense, you   don’t  stay in something that   HARMS YOU.   Or  abuses  you.  Or  robs you of your  dignity.   YOU STAY WHEN it helps you to GROW.  You endure.  You knock it out    And you  BRING IT.

Because sometimes the things  that  GROW us.  MAKE US. Guess I’ve finally decided in my life I want to just keep getting better and better. So I have to put in the work.

When you meant  to say something, you say it.  When you mean to  do it, you  do it. You   don’t  hold back, you   are emphatic.  That means  as  the  free  dictionary states: “you stand out in a striking (ly)  and   clearly defined way.”

It appears for me, at least  when you get to  fifty you have that understanding.  You know, the one  that  really just says:   “What will be, shall be.”  Yet  you know you can’t  fool around. You have to come  full force.  You  have to  come  completely, adeptly, and you cannot  “half- ass it.”  *( Yeah,  I said that…)  You  know that really isn’t  a curse word, its just  a  form of being.  I know someone in my life who  told me  a long time  ago –  ( name forbidden….)   that  I “half- assed” it –  all the  time. I don’t know tha I necessarily agreed but I could have done better. For sure.  I think   “fifty ” simply  gives you full knowledge if you  have  come to that place and you   realize  WHEN need to do more.   You also realize  when OTHERS need to do more.

Should you always  tell them? (a resounding,  &  emphatic….)  No!

Why?  Because its not always your job to tell them.   Sometimes telling them could damage the  relationship.  That’ s where  wisdom  comes in.   And discretion.   Discretion involves planning and   being  discreet. It means you have made some  similar  mistakes in the past, and paid for them.  And you decided  to  turn from that way, and  try  something NEW.

There was a time in my life  I  thought I really knew someone had taken something from me. It was a  teenager.  And  I practically  knew it could have been no one BUT her. (  I had  even devised a  scenario in my mind, where I confronted her, and  she   would give in and admit  she did it!)  I  even  walked out  that scenario. Only to come to  the end of that  vision, and  find out I was absolutely WRONG.  I  was not  wrong  when I confronted her , either.   I  was  wrong  AFTER  I confronted her,  went back home, and  then  found what I thought was stolen.   My  pride got in the  way.

I  thought I  just knew  everything, back then.  And I walked it out because I just “knew”  I was right.  But boy, was I wrong.

Yes , indeed.  2d278918544e4c25a95045bf2c4cd158-1

 

Taught me a lesson in  living.

And taught me I was not God,, so I  would never be completely  right,  even when I  thought I was.  Selah.

My head  was SO, SO  Big,  back then.   But I learned my lesson.  Sometimes life is  about lessons .  Not knowing it all.

Hmmm….

My  fifty years sometimes  takes me back to that moment , and I realize that I have to give everyone  the benefit of the doubt, because  sometimes there’s so much more to know.

 

 Hang out with me  as I share wisdom  for the   days…  I am  counting  down to  my  Fifty days of   Fifty  years old by writing   about   how  I know I have arrived.  Join me at  #50DaysToFifty  hashtag on Instagram or   Facebook.

 

 

Day 1 : Fifty. #50DaysToFifty

So I have been taking a series of photo shots  and microblogging as it   relates  to  ne  turning fifty,  this year.  Then I realized the photos   alone, were not  enough.  Yes, they speak, but there’s so much more to say.

Some  of those  photos are pretty spectac… and   the others ..well, they are just me,  being me.  I like the  feel of almost being fifty. It’s been rather contemplative, reflective and solemn.

It means I can  sit on my porch at  ‘dark thirty’  and just sit outside and be me.

I like the  freedom involved  at   50 to of myself. I’ve heard several say at fifty, ‘ you just become more relaxed and less matters.’ I find myself at fifty – yes, being more relaxed but also feeling more mature. In mind, body and spirit. The best way to describe it is just feeling as if I take time for internal rest.

I am beginning to think I know  what it means to be myself, too. To feel comfortable in my own skin. Over the years I’ve struggled with relationships – mostly friendships, being that I’ve moved so much in my adult life. I’ve had awesome friends but then had to leave them, as I aspired for ventures that offered me a better career and  more time being closer to family. There’s been a lot of sacrifice. All for great reasons. However, at fifty, there’s a retreating to “what’s right”, to and​  for the soul.

I feel more luxurious, at fifty. It means  at fifty, I can just   sip some tea on a  nice evening  on the patio  in the  am, because it feels so good to just have fresh  air and tea ‘ mixed together.’

Or it may mean I get to   take an extra  nap on a  quiet, wet and rainy morning or afternoon .

Sometimes it means  I  get to listen to my  thoughts, in absolute silence​.

And laugh as I ponder over my favorite  photos of my  nieces and nephews.

As I allow them to simmer,  and  I can just meditate on  being grateful.

Thoughtless,  musings  …grateful ponderings,  simmerings of  tea and a good spirit of  nothingness…  yea  that’s  what it means to be  50.

 

Hashtag me on Instagram to read more as  I  microblog about #50daystofifty

Thanks for reading! If you can relate or liked something you’ve read, leave a comment and let me know you’re out  there.