Am I worthy?

How do  embrace my worth? What I base my  worth upon?

I haven’t always been able to  answer this question  confidently. I  began to ask myself these  questions about my worth when  I   was about thirty five years old.  I  didn’t stop until I was about 38 years old and felt some  sense of resolve about it.

I used to base my worth upon  what my ex-husband  thought was  good and acceptable.  Even after I left him. And then, what my girlfriends  considered important, or…  my parents. Even as an adult, I based  my worth upon these people in my life.   I would think whatever anyone important to me thought was  important, it was also important to me, as well.

But I was so wrong.  I matured a bit, and found that  my worth is based more upon things that  God  finds worthy.  God gave me gifts , and one of the was the ability to   trust my instincts.  So…lately, it’s been my ability to discern . I had a very  hard time trusting myself, when  I was  the age of 37.  Then , one day, that all shifted.  and I decided to began to prioritize myself . I made some decisions with my purpose  and intentions in mind and I began to  ask myself what I wanted.

One of the  most fearful decisions in my life, was to move on. To not be in relationship with someone, who I truly cared for .  The only issues I had with this, was that I had to decide  how to  love myself more than I loved him.  I realized once I  loved myself fully,  ( I came to this revelation much later and longer after I had left him), that  loving  me felt really good, and  relationships could not dictate my worth. I would not  and could not control  how someone accepts me; and I actually had to grieve this relationship, even if I was not ready for it to end .  The other relationship… Was similar … I didn’t expect that one to end either , but I was confident it was time to end . I wasn’t grateful for these relationships to come to an end, yet they were purposed to do so.

I was so afraid to make a mistake when I decided  something, I thought if I did, my whole life would disintegrate.  I didn’t trust my own thinking.  And so I began to look at the source of that, to determine where I lost the ability to think for me. I realized my fear– “frozen fear”  discounted my worth. That I could not make decisions for myself unless I  first realized I was worthy of those  decisions.     And that  confident place of  worth had to come from deep down, so I asked  God where –  had I neglected myself  and why? And I began even to look at my family of origin and notice patterns of  family neglect and I prayed very hard for those patterns to leave my life.

My relationships were central to my worth in my past, and the relationships that didn’t allow me the freedom to live and  choose for myself –taught me I needed to make a few personal changes, and challenge myself differently with how I deserved to be treated . Those changes  taught me I needed to  change a few things about my relationships in general.

I’d like to share here those lessons learned :

1. Don’t filter a relationship  gone wrong as a rejection of you as an individual.  Don’t view it as a rejection.   You should filter it through the guise of  transparency. h If your esteem and worth isn’t higher, when you leave it because you stood for integrity and your values; then the person you were – may have lost a piece of you, in the process of being a part of it. If confusion and setting of goals and ambition disappeared, perhaps the person in that relationship was not healthy. Hopefully, you will be reminded of the truth and  realize that  you are better off believing the truth, rather than the  lies.

2. Don’t ‘force’ relationships to exist. If they aren’t going well , or end up  abruptly and unexpectedly ending, receive it. Let it go. It may have a lesson of release in it, but you’ll never know what it was, or wasn’t , until you decide to fully let it go and can independently evaluate what the lesson is, to learn. Some intimate relationships are meant to be friendships, some are lessons and others are keepers. The keepers cause you to maintain and increase in self-love. You shouldn’t ‘ t lose self-love when you’re forced to take a look a good, honest, look at yourself.

3. Choices come to us  every day. If we don’t let go , we stifle the growth. And sometimes growth needs to happen  through the conduit of surrender. Without our resistance.  And without our interruption. Selah.

4.  As you release… you will feel awful. Even in the grieving process :  Accept. Grief comes as resolve when you are able to fully surrender. If you don’t surrender, you become stagnant  and sometimes you’ll go back if you resist the release. Grief, however, matures you, immensely , once you get to the acceptance phase. It’s a Teacher. Grief teaches you the blessing of embracing sorrow. And sorrow, once embraced, offers so much clarity.

5. Be angry. Yell, scream release . Then yell… Scream .. & release again. Do this 20 or more times, until you feel less stifled. Even if you must have a silent scream  Silent screams help too. I  recently took a silent scream within, ( I just couldn’t get it out)… and then I walked in the cold air, breathed and took some of the most beautiful pics I’d  ever taken before. Hmmm… (Maybe my silent scream turned into breathable breaths; because I found another release.) Believe me, though I had to breathe to SAVE my life.

6. Prioritize Your Worth . Oh yeah… The worth came once I moved into acceptance. Because I knew that the decisions I made were in a spirit of integrity; and  I knew  I was in full consideration, of  everyone involved  but me – I had to back track and ask myself – Jenn, …Do you deserve this? And most of my answers were a resounding YES. I completely let go… and  I decided I didn’t want to carry their baggage around with me, any more .

Sometimes complex relationship can confuse you into believing that  something is wrong with YOU. If the integrity factor weighs strong and you know all you have to the relationship was out of the goodness of your heart and for the  sake of being your best self, then you’re fine. If you experience oppression in your heart, feel weighted, or its way too painful , then you may need to process and heal from the experience with a counselor mentor or friend Don’t underestimate the power of a healthy heart lending an ear and – listening in to your struggle.

And one more thing… this is a wonderful time to RECEIVE. To just be around good, fun-lovin’ people, every chance you get. It balances off all the unhealthy stuff.

I’m linking up with the #GiveMEGrace Community!