Ever just wanted to be someone else?

Ever just wanted to be someone else?

I have. I remember when I was in   seventh grade.  I had  models and popular  people plastered all over  the walls in my bedroom like:  Phylicia  Rashaad, A.K.A.  “Claire  Huxtable –  because she was  the ‘ideal black  mother’  &  had it together – back in my day,   And of course, her sister, Debbie Allen, because she  could get down  dancing – and had a popular   show out about colleges students I liked, and  then I liked people  Prince, my favorite star – at the time –  liked- but didn’tSELRES_955ff592-5aaa-470a-9407-b6239f5176eeSELRES_bb9955a1-dbf4-4080-9e90-597f393c1e8bSELRES_658ddae2-f5f8-42b6-951d-248c5a63ed23SELRES_44cc0dcf-f1d6-4c20-8123-ac760e244bd3SELRES_44cc0dcf-f1d6-4c20-8123-ac760e244bd3SELRES_658ddae2-f5f8-42b6-951d-248c5a63ed23SELRES_bb9955a1-dbf4-4080-9e90-597f393c1e8bSELRES_955ff592-5aaa-470a-9407-b6239f5176ee want to be like him. Maybe I liked  people like ., because she was  a bad  woman drummer – or  Apollonia, because she seemed to  be the most interesting of all of Prince’s ladies… Or… I could pretty much do  ‘any model’ from Essence magazine or Ebony, or even  a really cute ‘Jet  Beauty’… all  black magazines in, then – because  it as time to get an “identity” and feel more like me.

But seriously, though… I  really had a complex.

I really didn’t know myself.  I didn’t even really now what color I liked.  And deep down inside I  didn’t know  what my interests were, who I wanted to be one day,, or even why I hug out with who I did.  I was really confused.  But   you could never tell me that.  thought since I had likes and dislikes, and  friend who liked me – and we’d wear matching jeans, and guys liked me too, and my boyfriend was the class president  of the whole Jr. High,  I too, then  –  was popular enough to be someone.  Because of what I owned .

Sometimes its really hard being ourselves.  We get upset  and  often feel like we don’t “measure up” and we don’t feel like we like our bodies, our faces , our clothes, our personalities or  our friendships, our lives fit… and we  try to “be” or look like someone else – just a little. We want  her eyes, or her hair and sometimes we even try to make I look that way… or we  try to get boyfriends who like  Prince and  friends like the women he liked. Because we didn’t know any better. Emulating that life, a little made us feel more important, in a way.

Yet I was chill after that stage of my life. And getting through the men and wondering what they wanted, and trying to please them. I finally lost sight of who i was and found God. God was unconditional. He loved me for me, and just accepted me with all my faults. I just decided to chill and accept God. And I finally grew up. It took time, and a lot of bad mistakes, but I finally made it. And now , I consider my God-identity , before I make major decisions, and I rise.
Yes, I rise.
It feels good inside to know that God is pleased with my decisions because it just feels like another part of me is being affirmed. And I have begun to feel whole. And at peace with being me. I am not people-pleasing, not worrying if I will be accepted, not being uncertain about and second-guessing my every move… I just think about my conscious, and I try to be intentional and purposed in everything I do.

Yeah, it’s  a  conscious  every  day challenge.

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