Ever just wanted to be someone else?
I have. I remember when I was in seventh grade. I had models and popular people plastered all over the walls in my bedroom like: Phylicia Rashaad, A.K.A. “Claire Huxtable – because she was the ‘ideal black mother’ & had it together – back in my day, And of course, her sister, Debbie Allen, because she could get down dancing – and had a popular show out about colleges students I liked, and then I liked people Prince, my favorite star – at the time – liked- but didn’twant to be like him. Maybe I liked people like ., because she was a bad woman drummer – or Apollonia, because she seemed to be the most interesting of all of Prince’s ladies… Or… I could pretty much do ‘any model’ from Essence magazine or Ebony, or even a really cute ‘Jet Beauty’… all black magazines in, then – because it as time to get an “identity” and feel more like me.
But seriously, though… I really had a complex.
I really didn’t know myself. I didn’t even really now what color I liked. And deep down inside I didn’t know what my interests were, who I wanted to be one day,, or even why I hug out with who I did. I was really confused. But you could never tell me that. thought since I had likes and dislikes, and friend who liked me – and we’d wear matching jeans, and guys liked me too, and my boyfriend was the class president of the whole Jr. High, I too, then – was popular enough to be someone. Because of what I owned .
Sometimes its really hard being ourselves. We get upset and often feel like we don’t “measure up” and we don’t feel like we like our bodies, our faces , our clothes, our personalities or our friendships, our lives fit… and we try to “be” or look like someone else – just a little. We want her eyes, or her hair and sometimes we even try to make I look that way… or we try to get boyfriends who like Prince and friends like the women he liked. Because we didn’t know any better. Emulating that life, a little made us feel more important, in a way.
Yet I was chill after that stage of my life. And getting through the men and wondering what they wanted, and trying to please them. I finally lost sight of who i was and found God. God was unconditional. He loved me for me, and just accepted me with all my faults. I just decided to chill and accept God. And I finally grew up. It took time, and a lot of bad mistakes, but I finally made it. And now , I consider my God-identity , before I make major decisions, and I rise.
Yes, I rise.
It feels good inside to know that God is pleased with my decisions because it just feels like another part of me is being affirmed. And I have begun to feel whole. And at peace with being me. I am not people-pleasing, not worrying if I will be accepted, not being uncertain about and second-guessing my every move… I just think about my conscious, and I try to be intentional and purposed in everything I do.
Yeah, it’s a conscious every day challenge.